Some Major Catch Up

Wow!  It's been so long since I've posted anything!  Sorry!  Things with Jemma went well.  I decided against a total hip replacement and instead chose a surgery where the ball of her femur bone was entirely removed.  This is able to be done in dogs because they have so much muscle mass surrounding that area that they are able to compensate really well.  She is able to run at full speed without pain now!  She still wobbles and crosses her feet in the back and sometimes has a slightly abnormal gait, but she gets around just fine and is not hurting anymore which is great!

Let's see, what else?  I started my first online course to become certified in canine rehabilitation.  I've always thought it sounded interesting, so I decided to act on it.  About 6 months into practicing veterinary medicine in the real world - I started feeling discontent.  I no longer had a goal.  So this is part of my long term plan.  I don't really know that I will be able to use these new skills at the clinic I'm currently at, but it will take me several years to become certified and who knows where I'll be by then.

I also started taking Juice Plus this May.  It is a fruit and vegetable supplement.  I love it and am taking advantage of the business aspect of it as well and am going to become a distributor next month.  My sponsor Lorean and I have arranged a month full of events to help me kick off the start of my own part time business.  My goal is to make it to Sales Coordinator in 6 months.  That would potentially earn me an extra $500 a month and potentially help me pay off my school loans a lot faster!  PLUS, this month is when my production starts over!  I'm not in the negative anymore and have the potential to make extra bonuses at work now!  If I would have been eligible for last month's bonus I would have pocketed an extra $630!!!

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I went to a special seminar yesterday with a life-coach.  I seriously need to re-train my brain.  I'm tired of being negative and worrying all the time!  I wish I had better self-esteem.  I want to unlock my full potential so that I can achieve all my dreams and more!  I think these seminars are going to be key to the re-building of my mind and attitude.  I'm excited to see how it will change my career, business, and relationships!

More Bad News

Jemma's been limping off and on for the past few months - sometimes in the front, sometimes in the back.  So today I took her in to get some X-rays done.  Her elbows don't look too bad, but her right hip isn't even in the acetabulum (socket).  There's already some bone remodeling (early arthritis).  I'm so disappointed.  We thought by researching more and spending a lot more we'd get a GSD pup with less health issues.  Unfortunately not.  So stay tuned to hear/read what transpires with specialist's opinions and treatment options.  We love our girls, no matter how dysfunctional or expensive (although that last part is giving me a stomach ulcer).

And Release....

After an evening in the Animal ER with Roxy, I discovered a tumor in her right lung nearly 2 weeks ago.  After a long day-trip to Columbia she was officially diagnosed with a primary lung carcinoma.  By this time, I had accepted the fact that my baby had something seriously wrong.  She didn't know she was sick, she was acting absolutely normal - that was good.  The abdominal ultrasound and CT showed no other tumors, no lymph node involvement, and no metastasis! 

So armed with that information and a heart full of hope, I gave my parents several days to think about what they would be willing to allow me do to for her.  I am so glad that they came to the same conclusion as I did - that surgery was her best option.  Last Wednesday, she underwent a lateral thorecotomy (they made an incision between ribs, pulled out her lungs and removed the entire caudal right lung lobe).  Seeing her after surgery was probably the hardest for me... she had a chest tube in, multiple IV's, and an oxygen tube stapled to her face.  It was heart-wrenching.

I now have her with me at my apartment for the duration of her 2 weeks of confinement.  Poor Jemma doesn't know what to do without her big sissy, but Dad is keeping her occupied with daily outings at the park.  She looks almost as good as new (except for the fact that she's practically bald on her entire right side)!  She's being her usual finicky self about eating, but is playful and as sweet as ever!  I am so glad that I found this tumor and that it is out of my precious dog!  We are still waiting on the pathology results to find out if the type of tumor requires chemotherapy. 

God is good and I will be grateful for whatever extra time I have with my beloved Roxy Carley!

Stay

Smoke.  Like thick mist through a distorted, broken piece of glass.   Swept away.  All air is gone, my breath was stolen from me.  Sweet dreams and expectations vanish in the blink of an eye.  With the snap of a picture my future is emptied.  Struggle, gasp, and push through the pain of frightening possibilities.  Begging,… praying,… pleading,… for silver linings and sudden miracles.  My baby…  my beautiful one…  I can’t bear the thought of losing you.  Forever isn’t nearly long enough.  Stay with me a while longer.  Please, I beg you.  Stay.

Newest News

Well, I've been busy practicing for about 4 months now...  Sometimes it's wonderful and I can't believe how lucky I am, other times its frustrating and exhausting.  This place, like others I've been at, is inefficient due to management issues.  I love most of the staff though and they work really hard at making it a great clinic to work at. 

My apartment is slowly taking shape.  The back room is nearly finished, just have to re-do the bench to my great grandma's desk.  Need to hang some art in my bedroom and the kitchen.  All that's really left is finding artwork for the wall behind the couch and curtains for the living space.  The new coffee table and end tables are coming this Thurs.  Other than that, it looks like a put-together grown up apartment!

Rem and I are doing great.  Realizing more and more everyday that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  He's absolutely wonderful and supportive.  I drive him crazy with my "box" and he pushes me to my limits with his ways of thinking and risk taking.  We are so good for each other.  I'm excited heading into this holiday season.  I always love planning things (especially how I'm going to spoil him). 

Anyways, I"m at work and probably need to get off the computer and see if my appointment is here yet.  Write more later...

Quick Update

Well, my decision didn't turn out to be too hard in the end.  I went with the one where I would have doctors there 24/7 even if it is a busy clinic.  I was really disappointed with the lack of professionalism of the other clinic.  It's not like I hadn't known this, having worked there previously, but I was let down because I really wanted it to work out there.

Anyways, onwards and upwards.  I've got my KS license and am "ready" to start work in July.  I say "ready" because no matter how much brushing up, studying, and reviewing I do, I will never ever feel prepared to do this.  I know it's just something I have to jump into.  Say a prayer and hope for the best.

Katie Darr, I would love any advice since you've been practicing a while now :)  PS - looks like we were both freaking out about not finding jobs for nothing.  God certainly does provide.

Major Life Decisions!

Ug!  I am so stressed out!  I got an official offer from a clinic here today via e-mail and another is in talks.  I had been thinking that I'd prefer option A over where I used to tech (option B).  I've been talking with them about taking a position there as well.  There are so many things to consider and let's face it, me being who I am, I'm terrified of both options!

Do I take more money for more hours where I will always be on with 2 other Dr's at a very busy practice who may or may not have time to help me if I have questions. Option A.

Or should I take a little less money for less hours with a few staff that I love at a clinic with HORRIBLE management.  I'd basically be by myself for 2.5 days a week, but it's slower and there's a potential to buy it in a few years. Option B.

Grrrrr!  I would just like God to tell me which would be best and where I will be less stressed.

Introducing..... Dr. Najarian!!!

Yay!  I did it!  I actually did it!  I'm done with school and am now officially a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine!  There is still so much that is unknown in regards to my future, but I am enjoying my victories thus far and trusting God to lead me where he wants me next.  



Graduation weekend was wonderful.  Pretty much my entire family was there (birth family included).  My best girl-friend Katie came all the way from Oregon!  It was so good seeing her, I miss her so much and she is always such a blessing to me.  

I loved seeing how proud Rem was as I walked down the isle during the graduation ceremony.  He had the BIGGEST smile on his face, which in turn made my smile even wider!

I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such a loving and supportive family and friends.  I absolutely love that we all get along so well.  We fit together like we've been living and celebrating together for years!  The wonderful weekend ended with lots of packing and cleaning.  Rem was a great help.  It's so weird having someone besides my parents be there to help me and encourage me.  Don't get me wrong, I like it and wouldn't trade it for anything.  In all my dreaming, I just never thought that it would feel this good.

Moving back home is interesting to say the least.  Don't have near the amount of space that I did at my apartment in Columbia - the loss of my enormous closet makes me want to cry.  I really want a puppy, but Rem is right in that I should probably wait until I know where I'm going to be and if I have the time and money to invest in a new dog.  But that doesn't mean that I won't encourage my parents to get one!  I'll at least get my puppy fix that way!

Anyway, there will be tons more changes coming my way soon, I'm sure.  I'll try to write more often as I know I've been neglectful lately (sorry).  Till then keep safe and trust God.

Mad About March

Sorry it's been so long since I blogged!  Not that too many people really pay attention to what I write.

March is my favorite month, especially this year!  Rem's birthday was great and then we left for Florida a few days later.  Vacation was wonderful.  We stayed in Ft. Lauderdale and took a short cruise to the Bahamas.  The hotel and cruise weren't fantastic, but the company and good times were.  Rem and I had a great time together - I can't wait to do it again! 

I realized that I don't want to be away from home on my b-day again, though.  It really wasn't celebrated because we were out of town, but my parents did take us out when we got back to make up for it.  And there was cake! :) 

Other than that, I've had 4 more interviews for an associate veterinary position.  I really like one in Independence, but the owner is unsure that she can afford a full time associate.  I spent all day yesterday at one in Gardner, and it was pretty nice too, but the Dr. is a bit more intimidating.  I'm trying to trust God's timing and have faith in my abilities as well.

Anyway, it's exciting that I only have one more month of school left.  Soon, I'll have to change this blog's description because I won't be a student anymore.  I'll be a doctor!

To: A Friend Long Gone

It breaks my heart that you gave up on us,

It hurts to know you never really tried.

We were so close for so long

I never thought you’d throw it all aside.

Was I ever anything more than a fan of yours?

Did you ever care about more than you?

I was under the impression that I was there,

That my feelings and opinions mattered too.

I can see you’ve moved on and I’ve been replaced

With several others who’ll give you your due.

Just don’t expect me to jump up and celebrate

And run back whenever you want me to.

The loyalty I once felt is faded,

Worn down from years of abuse.

I’ve grown up and accepted your choice;

For your fickle “friendship” I no longer have use.

Holy Crap!

Yesterday someone pointed out that in exactly 4 months I'll be a doctor!  Wow!  I can't believe it!!!  It doesn't seem like it's been almost 4 years!  And as exciting as it is, I'm not sure I feel ready - in fact I know I don't feel ready.  I'm jugling the busy work that accompanies this block and trying to get everything together so I can finally send out my resumes this weekend.  Yikes!  Anyway, I'm writing this between classes, so I'd better go, I'll try and write more later!

Post Christmas Blues

So I'm back in Columbia after a wonderful week-long break for Christmas.  It sucks.  I miss Remington so much already!  We're kinda ridiculous like that and enjoy being around each other all the time.  Anyway, it doesn't help that I really don't enjoy this rotation (pathology).  It's just a whole bunch of cutting up dead things, getting smelly, and then doing a load of busy work.  Blech!

Christmas was absolutely amazing though!  Rem came to our house for the whole day!  He completely spoiled me rotten!  I didn't expect ANY presents from him because he already bought me a new Macbook Air last month when my computer keeled over AND he bought super great seats and took me to see The Nutcracker last Friday!  WAAAAAY too much already right?  This boy just doesn't know when to stop (and I secretly love him even more for that)!  He got me a really cute pair of shoes I'd been eyeing and a brand new, limited edition, red Kitchen Aide mixer!!!  Wow!  I don't deserve such spoilage!

Suffice it to say, I spent to much and spoiled him too!  He got a ton of stylish clothes, books, a bluetooth, as well as some other items he really wanted.  I also got him a massaging bed rest, but we ended up taking it back because it wasn't exactly what I expected and vibrated more than massaged.  But that's okay, he said he'd rather put the money into starting our salt water fish tank.  He's really excited to start that up - maybe we'll be able to do some more around his birthday.  He was also able to use some gift cards he received to buy a new Xbox, as his pooped out a couple of days before Christmas.  He's not a big gamer, but he really likes to play every once in a while to relax.

I hope that I can get back home this weekend for New Years!  My friend Tammi is coming into town and I'm hoping to get to spend a little time with her.  It's weird though, because the group of people that used to hang out when she still lived in town is so different and dispersed now.  I invite several people from that group to do things and hang out, but they never do.  I know the Sunday School class has always kind of had cliques, but
NEVER like this.  I've completely lost a best friend from college - she's demonstrated that she doesn't REALLY care on numerous occasions.  And it just plain annoys me that no one from their group ever darkens the doors of our get-togethers - it's like they are soooo much better than everyone else.  They won't show up unless one of them is hosting or planning the event.  They disgust me.

Anyway, I still have to sit here in this room for another hour.  My homework was frustrating me so much this morning that I plan on completely ignoring it until tomorrow!

Worry-Wart

I have learned that I have a special talent.  I am exceptionally good at freaking myself out.  I guess I always knew I was a good worrier, a scaredy-cat.  But sometimes it just goes too far.  Even when I was little, I'd come up with these elaborate scenarios of "what if".  What if.... the house caught on fire or there was a tornado?  Then in my teen years it became, what if I were abducted or raped.  Now that I'm in a relationship, I find it's what if he cheats on me or is secretly looking at porn? 

It's getting rediculous and beginning to interfere with real life.  I'm sick of being scared.  I'm tired of spending hours worrying and getting myself worked up over things that aren't reality.  Yes, I suppose these things could happen, but the likelihood that they will is very slim.  I have to relax.  I have to trust that God is in control.  I know beyond any doubt that I would survive all these scenarios, maybe move past them even, but the fear of "what if" keeps me paralyzed.  It's stunting my growth and at times threatens my relationships.

And the most recent thing that has been interrupted by my worrying (and now my blogging) is studying for the NAVLE - which is yet another source of fear and stress.  I'm nervous (terrified really) of not passing.  Yes, there's a second opportunity to pass, but I DO NOT want to be the one who has to take it again.  The shame, embarrassment, and just plain hassle of doing it all over again weigh on me and sometimes make it hard to breathe.  I'm trying, but even in the trying, feel like I'm already failing.

God please fix me.  Please give me a sense of peace that I know I am unable to obtain on my own right now.  Calm me down and help me to do my best, both on the test and with my life.  It's all yours anyway.

Lost And Found

I found an old poem I wrote a few years ago and thought I'd post it just for fun.  It's called Open Your Other Eye....


Open your other eye.

Don’t think for one second
That what happened didn’t hurt me too
The distrust I “earned” after trying so hard to be true

A knife through my heart when at last
Your true opinion of me was shown
I just wish that I would have guarded my heart or somehow known

That nothing I do will be good enough
The choices I make will fall short
I give up from now on; it’s time to move along
And live my life no longer for you.

Too Much Sun

Ouch!  I've got a sun headache!  I'm on equine right now, so was surprised when we got out at 3:15!  It was really hot outside, but I went to the pool anyway!  I took some water to stay hydrated and a good book.  I'm getting pretty dark...for me anyway! :)

Things are going well.  Equine is stressfull and I am having a hard time being away from Rem for so long.  I'm praying really hard that he gets this IT job at GMC so that he can pay off some bills and finally have some money to come see me.  It's really expensive with his gas guzzling truck! 

Matt (my birthfather) and his family came down a couple of weeks ago.  We hung out, went to the zoo, and they even came to church with us.  I think everyone had a good time (even my half sisters). 

Welp, I'd better get back to studying...icky!

So Rediculously Frustrated!!!

I am so beyond frustrated right now!  Why can't I stand up for myself?  Why do I always give in to other people - even when they don't deserve my sacrifice or compassion?  There's a big stud ram sale coming up that we have to help with in Sedalia, MO.  We each have to work one day.  My friend Lauren signed me up for Wednesday (I was in KC at the hospital with Dad) because she knew I was trying to get home that weekend.  Well there's this Paine in the *** in our group who says he has a "personal event" Friday that he needs to go to.  He won't be more specific, undoubtably because he knows it doesn't hold a candle to me needing to be at home to help take care of my Dad. 

1.  I got signed up first.  He didn't.  Too bad.
2.  I don't want to work 7:30am-11pm (not counting travel time) on Friday.  I'd much rather work 10:30am-6pm on Wednesday like I was signed up for.
3. I want/need to be at home as much as possible the next 4 weekends while my dad is restricted to the house.  I'm sure my mom not only needs help caring for him, but taking care of all the other things around the house and would definitely appreciate time out of the house while I stay with Dad.

I'm so mad!!!  He knew exactly how to manipulate the situation.  And I'm mad at myself for not being stronger!  I wanted to say "no" with every fiber of my being.  But I worry too much about other people considering me selfish (which I don't think it would have been if I said no) or that I'm not a team player.  I don't even like this guy!  He didn't even have the balls to tell me exactly why he needed to have that time off!  Infuriating!!!  I heard that he is wanting to go out of town with his girlfriend, who I know for a fact lives in COMO and he can see any day of the week!  Why am I such a sucker???  I am waaaaay to nice - to people who don't deserve it! 

And I'm worried that my anger and frustration are going to show through to the clinicians.  I don't want them to think I have a bad attitude.  But it's just not fair!  I didn't want to say yes.  And he didn't even say THANK YOU!  Grrrrrrrr! 

Osama Bin Laden goes bye-bye!

Last night, our military troops attacked the compound were the Al Quieda leader, Bin Laden, had been hiding and were successful in ending his life.  I can't say that I'm happy about condemning a man to hell, for surely that's where he was headed, but I have to admit that I was quite relieved that he is gone.  I am also so proud of our military personnel.  They have worked long and hard to ensure the safety of both the American and Middle Eastern people.  This event seems to have sparked our countries patriotism and appreciation for our troops again. 

There are many people, including our current President, who don't approve of the work our men and women are doing overseas.  I think it's a bit sad and ironic that the public is praising this man (Obama) like he was the one to send the troops in the first place.  So few choose to remember that it was originally President Bush's goal and desire to see justice met after 9/11.  In the long run though, it the troops that matter. 

I'm especially proud knowing that my love worked to protect those he loved and the country he loved by serving so honorably.  I know that some people would say that I have it easy and don't know what being with a military man really means because I wasn't with him when he was on active duty.  But once a Marine, always a Marine and I am proud just the same.  My man is strong and capable.  He is willing to fight for what is right.  I love my Marine!  On a side note:  I am really grateful that he did not have to serve in Afghanistan.  I selfishly rejoice that he was given the opportunity to lead and train new recruits instead of being caught in the cross fire.  What he did was an important part of enabling our troops to be able to perform their duties to keep our country safe. 

This weekend was amazing.  I drove up to KC to visit my man.  Friday night after eating at our favorite place, Pei Wei, we went over to a friends house and watched a movie.  Saturday I got my hair cut and then after lunch at Winsteads we spent the afternoon at the Nelson Atkins Art Museum.  We took the long way home and probably spent about 2 hours just meandering through the rich neighborhoods of KC, dreaming of the house we might one day own.  We then got 2 cherry limeaids from sonic and drove to a nearby park and walked along the trails for a while.  We watched a movie and I enjoyed cuddling on the couch.  Unfortunately, I got a headache so we had to go to Target to get me some medicine where we ran into one of his ex-girlfriends (the one that caused all the trouble about 3 weeks ago).  It was awkward and put a damper on the rest of the evening, but we worked through it. 

Sunday we went to church and ate at Texas Roadhouse afterwards.  We had some really nice conversation about faith and doubt as well as our relationship and the positive way we've been able to communicate so far.  That afternoon and evening was spent playing a board game with some friends.  Our goodbye was difficult as usual, but it was one of the sweetest ever.  We listened to a song and he told me how much he loved me and what I meant to him.  I can't wait to see him again this Friday!!!

Gilmore Girls Again...

I'm finishing up the entire 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls for the second time tonight (NOT including the initial air dates).  Gilmore Girls might just be the best TV series ever.  True, there's no singing and dancing like in GLEE (my other favorite), but it's just so superior to any other show!   Bones is good too, I'd like to work on getting all those seasons for my collection next.

Anyway.  School is good.  I'm on my radiology rotation right now.  It's been steady and fairly interesting.  My group is good too, everyone seems to be working well together.  It's storming outside right now.  It seems like every time the weather warms up, it rains!  But overall, I am soooo glad spring is finally here!  I was getting so sick of all the cold weather!

I really miss Rem.  We hit a pretty big bump last Tuesday.  It was really rough for a while.  I'm getting through it... we're getting through it.  I love him soooo much, but I know I can never let that stop me from asking hard questions and evaluating our relationship and where it is headed.  At times I'm excited and hopeful, other times I'm terrified and full of doubts.  I really needed him - he always seems to make things better, he calms me down - so he came up last Sat.  It was good.  We hung out, watched movies on his blow-up mattress in the living room, went bowling, and cooked spaghetti together.  When he's at home, we talk several times a day.  He says he hates talking on the phone, but honestly he calls me as much as I call him!  Can you tell that I'm missing him like crazy right now???

Well, my computer is about to die (I really need a new one soon), so I'd better go!  Here's to growning, learning, and loving!

Another New Beginning

I met my birth father for the first time yesterday.  My parents, Rem, and I drove up to Des Moines Iowa early in the morning in order to meet Matt and his family.  Rem and I somehow managed to squeeze ourselves into a reclining position together in the back and slept most of the way there.  We all met up at a local Mexican restaurant.  It was slightly awkward at first and I could tell Matt was really nervous, but things became less awkward as the day progressed. 

After lunch, we all went back to their house and looked at tons of old photographs.  It was a really good time of just relaxing and getting to know each other.  It helped to have my family and Rem there.  His daughters seemed nice, but I kept noticing the oldest one, Sarah, staring at me.  Not that I minded.  If I suddenly had an older half sister, I'd probably be staring at her too.  They seem like a normal family and his wife Anna is especially sweet.  She was adopted too, so it was nice having someone else there that knew what I was feeling and going through at the moment.  She hasn't searched for her birth father yet, but said that I had inspired her to do so.  I thought that was a nice thing to say.

Matt seems very interested and eager to come visit me in KC this summer.  I am glad that he was so open to having me in his life.  He'd literally been thinking about finding me for years!

Anyway, I'm enjoying my last real break before heading back to school for 8 months straight!  I hope I can make it and don't get burned out!  And leaving Rem again will be hard again, I'm sure.  I'm trying not to think about it yet - just enjoying his nearness now.  Speaking of, I feel the need to cuddle coming on so I'm going to have to cut this short and cozy on up to my man.  Later all!    :)

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Yay for March!!!  It's a good month.  Saturday is Remington and I's 6 month anniversary!  Can you believe it's been 6 months!?!  I sure can't!  He just moved into a new apartment and is busy getting all set up there in Olathe.  I've got 1 week left on local medicine.  Today was so busy I had 2 cases and tomorrow looks even crazier!!!  Remington's 28th birthday is on Sunday.  I bought him a really nice study Bible and had his name engraved on it.  I hope he likes it and thinks it's a good gift.  We are starting a new church-wide Bible study/devotional for lent next week and his old Bible is pretty outdated, so I thought he might appreciate a new one.  I'm also going to surprise him by blindfolding him and driving him down to Bartle Hall for the Auto Show on Saturday.  Keeping my fingers crossed that it'll be a fun and exciting time for him.

My birthday is on the 12th!  And my greatest gift is the fact that I have another 3 weeks off and am going home!  I can't wait!  Especially since I'm not doing a preceptorship and I really don't think I even want to work at all!  Free time - hooray!  I'm already starting a list of things I want to get done!  Helping Rem and Marty decorate their new place is definitely on the list!  I'm so jealous they have a nice new apartment to decorate!  My apartment place was nice enough to allow me to draw up a special 10 month lease for next year due to the fact that I will be graduating in May.  Only downer is my rent is going up $15 a month.  It's expensive being an adult and taking care of yourself! 

I'm also trying to arrange a meeting with my birthfather and his family.  The date is tentatively set for March 20th.  We'll probably stay for just the day, but we still need to work out the details.  It should be good.  Matt said that both of the girls will be on spring break and staying at home during that time, so that's nice.  And I plan on bringing my parents and Rem for moral support because I'll be nervous when the time comes.  Well, I have a test on Friday - yes, they still throw tests at us even though we're in clinics now - so I'd better do some more studying!