Worry-Wart

I have learned that I have a special talent.  I am exceptionally good at freaking myself out.  I guess I always knew I was a good worrier, a scaredy-cat.  But sometimes it just goes too far.  Even when I was little, I'd come up with these elaborate scenarios of "what if".  What if.... the house caught on fire or there was a tornado?  Then in my teen years it became, what if I were abducted or raped.  Now that I'm in a relationship, I find it's what if he cheats on me or is secretly looking at porn? 

It's getting rediculous and beginning to interfere with real life.  I'm sick of being scared.  I'm tired of spending hours worrying and getting myself worked up over things that aren't reality.  Yes, I suppose these things could happen, but the likelihood that they will is very slim.  I have to relax.  I have to trust that God is in control.  I know beyond any doubt that I would survive all these scenarios, maybe move past them even, but the fear of "what if" keeps me paralyzed.  It's stunting my growth and at times threatens my relationships.

And the most recent thing that has been interrupted by my worrying (and now my blogging) is studying for the NAVLE - which is yet another source of fear and stress.  I'm nervous (terrified really) of not passing.  Yes, there's a second opportunity to pass, but I DO NOT want to be the one who has to take it again.  The shame, embarrassment, and just plain hassle of doing it all over again weigh on me and sometimes make it hard to breathe.  I'm trying, but even in the trying, feel like I'm already failing.

God please fix me.  Please give me a sense of peace that I know I am unable to obtain on my own right now.  Calm me down and help me to do my best, both on the test and with my life.  It's all yours anyway.

Lost And Found

I found an old poem I wrote a few years ago and thought I'd post it just for fun.  It's called Open Your Other Eye....


Open your other eye.

Don’t think for one second
That what happened didn’t hurt me too
The distrust I “earned” after trying so hard to be true

A knife through my heart when at last
Your true opinion of me was shown
I just wish that I would have guarded my heart or somehow known

That nothing I do will be good enough
The choices I make will fall short
I give up from now on; it’s time to move along
And live my life no longer for you.

Too Much Sun

Ouch!  I've got a sun headache!  I'm on equine right now, so was surprised when we got out at 3:15!  It was really hot outside, but I went to the pool anyway!  I took some water to stay hydrated and a good book.  I'm getting pretty dark...for me anyway! :)

Things are going well.  Equine is stressfull and I am having a hard time being away from Rem for so long.  I'm praying really hard that he gets this IT job at GMC so that he can pay off some bills and finally have some money to come see me.  It's really expensive with his gas guzzling truck! 

Matt (my birthfather) and his family came down a couple of weeks ago.  We hung out, went to the zoo, and they even came to church with us.  I think everyone had a good time (even my half sisters). 

Welp, I'd better get back to studying...icky!

So Rediculously Frustrated!!!

I am so beyond frustrated right now!  Why can't I stand up for myself?  Why do I always give in to other people - even when they don't deserve my sacrifice or compassion?  There's a big stud ram sale coming up that we have to help with in Sedalia, MO.  We each have to work one day.  My friend Lauren signed me up for Wednesday (I was in KC at the hospital with Dad) because she knew I was trying to get home that weekend.  Well there's this Paine in the *** in our group who says he has a "personal event" Friday that he needs to go to.  He won't be more specific, undoubtably because he knows it doesn't hold a candle to me needing to be at home to help take care of my Dad. 

1.  I got signed up first.  He didn't.  Too bad.
2.  I don't want to work 7:30am-11pm (not counting travel time) on Friday.  I'd much rather work 10:30am-6pm on Wednesday like I was signed up for.
3. I want/need to be at home as much as possible the next 4 weekends while my dad is restricted to the house.  I'm sure my mom not only needs help caring for him, but taking care of all the other things around the house and would definitely appreciate time out of the house while I stay with Dad.

I'm so mad!!!  He knew exactly how to manipulate the situation.  And I'm mad at myself for not being stronger!  I wanted to say "no" with every fiber of my being.  But I worry too much about other people considering me selfish (which I don't think it would have been if I said no) or that I'm not a team player.  I don't even like this guy!  He didn't even have the balls to tell me exactly why he needed to have that time off!  Infuriating!!!  I heard that he is wanting to go out of town with his girlfriend, who I know for a fact lives in COMO and he can see any day of the week!  Why am I such a sucker???  I am waaaaay to nice - to people who don't deserve it! 

And I'm worried that my anger and frustration are going to show through to the clinicians.  I don't want them to think I have a bad attitude.  But it's just not fair!  I didn't want to say yes.  And he didn't even say THANK YOU!  Grrrrrrrr! 

Osama Bin Laden goes bye-bye!

Last night, our military troops attacked the compound were the Al Quieda leader, Bin Laden, had been hiding and were successful in ending his life.  I can't say that I'm happy about condemning a man to hell, for surely that's where he was headed, but I have to admit that I was quite relieved that he is gone.  I am also so proud of our military personnel.  They have worked long and hard to ensure the safety of both the American and Middle Eastern people.  This event seems to have sparked our countries patriotism and appreciation for our troops again. 

There are many people, including our current President, who don't approve of the work our men and women are doing overseas.  I think it's a bit sad and ironic that the public is praising this man (Obama) like he was the one to send the troops in the first place.  So few choose to remember that it was originally President Bush's goal and desire to see justice met after 9/11.  In the long run though, it the troops that matter. 

I'm especially proud knowing that my love worked to protect those he loved and the country he loved by serving so honorably.  I know that some people would say that I have it easy and don't know what being with a military man really means because I wasn't with him when he was on active duty.  But once a Marine, always a Marine and I am proud just the same.  My man is strong and capable.  He is willing to fight for what is right.  I love my Marine!  On a side note:  I am really grateful that he did not have to serve in Afghanistan.  I selfishly rejoice that he was given the opportunity to lead and train new recruits instead of being caught in the cross fire.  What he did was an important part of enabling our troops to be able to perform their duties to keep our country safe. 

This weekend was amazing.  I drove up to KC to visit my man.  Friday night after eating at our favorite place, Pei Wei, we went over to a friends house and watched a movie.  Saturday I got my hair cut and then after lunch at Winsteads we spent the afternoon at the Nelson Atkins Art Museum.  We took the long way home and probably spent about 2 hours just meandering through the rich neighborhoods of KC, dreaming of the house we might one day own.  We then got 2 cherry limeaids from sonic and drove to a nearby park and walked along the trails for a while.  We watched a movie and I enjoyed cuddling on the couch.  Unfortunately, I got a headache so we had to go to Target to get me some medicine where we ran into one of his ex-girlfriends (the one that caused all the trouble about 3 weeks ago).  It was awkward and put a damper on the rest of the evening, but we worked through it. 

Sunday we went to church and ate at Texas Roadhouse afterwards.  We had some really nice conversation about faith and doubt as well as our relationship and the positive way we've been able to communicate so far.  That afternoon and evening was spent playing a board game with some friends.  Our goodbye was difficult as usual, but it was one of the sweetest ever.  We listened to a song and he told me how much he loved me and what I meant to him.  I can't wait to see him again this Friday!!!

Gilmore Girls Again...

I'm finishing up the entire 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls for the second time tonight (NOT including the initial air dates).  Gilmore Girls might just be the best TV series ever.  True, there's no singing and dancing like in GLEE (my other favorite), but it's just so superior to any other show!   Bones is good too, I'd like to work on getting all those seasons for my collection next.

Anyway.  School is good.  I'm on my radiology rotation right now.  It's been steady and fairly interesting.  My group is good too, everyone seems to be working well together.  It's storming outside right now.  It seems like every time the weather warms up, it rains!  But overall, I am soooo glad spring is finally here!  I was getting so sick of all the cold weather!

I really miss Rem.  We hit a pretty big bump last Tuesday.  It was really rough for a while.  I'm getting through it... we're getting through it.  I love him soooo much, but I know I can never let that stop me from asking hard questions and evaluating our relationship and where it is headed.  At times I'm excited and hopeful, other times I'm terrified and full of doubts.  I really needed him - he always seems to make things better, he calms me down - so he came up last Sat.  It was good.  We hung out, watched movies on his blow-up mattress in the living room, went bowling, and cooked spaghetti together.  When he's at home, we talk several times a day.  He says he hates talking on the phone, but honestly he calls me as much as I call him!  Can you tell that I'm missing him like crazy right now???

Well, my computer is about to die (I really need a new one soon), so I'd better go!  Here's to growning, learning, and loving!

Another New Beginning

I met my birth father for the first time yesterday.  My parents, Rem, and I drove up to Des Moines Iowa early in the morning in order to meet Matt and his family.  Rem and I somehow managed to squeeze ourselves into a reclining position together in the back and slept most of the way there.  We all met up at a local Mexican restaurant.  It was slightly awkward at first and I could tell Matt was really nervous, but things became less awkward as the day progressed. 

After lunch, we all went back to their house and looked at tons of old photographs.  It was a really good time of just relaxing and getting to know each other.  It helped to have my family and Rem there.  His daughters seemed nice, but I kept noticing the oldest one, Sarah, staring at me.  Not that I minded.  If I suddenly had an older half sister, I'd probably be staring at her too.  They seem like a normal family and his wife Anna is especially sweet.  She was adopted too, so it was nice having someone else there that knew what I was feeling and going through at the moment.  She hasn't searched for her birth father yet, but said that I had inspired her to do so.  I thought that was a nice thing to say.

Matt seems very interested and eager to come visit me in KC this summer.  I am glad that he was so open to having me in his life.  He'd literally been thinking about finding me for years!

Anyway, I'm enjoying my last real break before heading back to school for 8 months straight!  I hope I can make it and don't get burned out!  And leaving Rem again will be hard again, I'm sure.  I'm trying not to think about it yet - just enjoying his nearness now.  Speaking of, I feel the need to cuddle coming on so I'm going to have to cut this short and cozy on up to my man.  Later all!    :)