Friday, November 18, 2011


I have learned that I have a special talent.  I am exceptionally good at freaking myself out.  I guess I always knew I was a good worrier, a scaredy-cat.  But sometimes it just goes too far.  Even when I was little, I'd come up with these elaborate scenarios of "what if".  What if.... the house caught on fire or there was a tornado?  Then in my teen years it became, what if I were abducted or raped.  Now that I'm in a relationship, I find it's what if he cheats on me or is secretly looking at porn? 

It's getting rediculous and beginning to interfere with real life.  I'm sick of being scared.  I'm tired of spending hours worrying and getting myself worked up over things that aren't reality.  Yes, I suppose these things could happen, but the likelihood that they will is very slim.  I have to relax.  I have to trust that God is in control.  I know beyond any doubt that I would survive all these scenarios, maybe move past them even, but the fear of "what if" keeps me paralyzed.  It's stunting my growth and at times threatens my relationships.

And the most recent thing that has been interrupted by my worrying (and now my blogging) is studying for the NAVLE - which is yet another source of fear and stress.  I'm nervous (terrified really) of not passing.  Yes, there's a second opportunity to pass, but I DO NOT want to be the one who has to take it again.  The shame, embarrassment, and just plain hassle of doing it all over again weigh on me and sometimes make it hard to breathe.  I'm trying, but even in the trying, feel like I'm already failing.

God please fix me.  Please give me a sense of peace that I know I am unable to obtain on my own right now.  Calm me down and help me to do my best, both on the test and with my life.  It's all yours anyway.