Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Time Flies!

I can't believe Christmas is over and it's almost 2010!!!  I'm having a wonderful break.  Getting to relax more than anticipated and enjoying time with my friends and family.  I've been thinking on all that I've learned this past year (really the last 3 years).  I'm a totally different person.  I see things differently, I react to things differently, and I hope for things differently. 

I'm also excited to see how I grow and change in the next 3 years.  In 3 years, hopefully I will be happily practicing medicine somewhere as Dr. Lisa Najarian.  Sounds weird, doesn't it?  But in three years, I also hope to know God more intimately, to hold my loved ones more closely, and to continue on the journey of growing up, living and serving others as God intended for me to do. 

I know in the next three years I'll make many more mistakes, but trust that through everything I will learn to be more like Christ in my actions and reactions.  He has done it in the past, is doing it now, and will conintue His work in me throughout 2010.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I'm freeeeee!!!


I’m finished with another block! Hooray! I passed all my classes (some very narrowly) and am definitely ready for Christmas break! I’m so excited to just relax at home and hang out with friends. I was looking forward to going back to the clinic to work for 2 weeks, but they’re so slow at AMC, I’ve hardly got any hours. While that gives me more downtime, it also leaves my savings account rather empty. I’m trying really hard to earn/raise all the money for South Africa without having to use my school loans.

So Wednesday, I decided that I needed to go somewhere to study for my finals. All the coffee shops were packed because all the undergrads at MIZZOU had their finals this week too. I ended up at McAlister’s Deli and guess who was there? Miss Sarah Wheeler! It was so good to see her! I think God definitely had a hand in our bumping into each other! If you read this, Sarah, know that I love you and am praying for you. You are beautiful inside and out and God has amazing things in store for you!

Well, I need to go help with our class fundraiser before I can leave school and start packing. I’m sure I’ll have more fun times to share soon!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Boring Details

Not real sure what to write about. It’s Friday – that’s a good thing. I had planned on studying tonight considering that I went out and didn’t study at all last night. But I’ve been invited to dinner and an ornament exchange. So I think I’m going to attend that. Tomorrow is crazy busy. Accountability group, then Africa’s fundraiser (photo’s with Santa), and after that, our class fundraiser at Bass Pro! Whew! I’m tired just writing about it! I have no idea when studying will fit in!

At this time in exactly one week, I will be finishing up my last final – hooray!

Anyway - enough of my boring life.  Until next time, when I'll hopefully have something more interesting to say!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

What I Love About God

One thing I love about God is that He's not afraid or put-off by my doubts.  I can question Him and even get mad at Him.  He understands when I'm frustrated.  He cares for me and my feelings are important to Him.  He's like that friend you can always go to when you just need to vent - when you need someone to hear you.  I know that sometimes my emotions get the best of me, but I also know that God wants me to bring my hurts and disappointments to Him.  I am so thankful that my God doesn't sweep my concerns and desires under a rug, but is always there for me.  Waiting for me to finish crying and again remember the truths He has promised for me.  He longs to give me good things.  He knows what is best for me.  He loves me with an everlasting love and will withhold no good gifts from me.  Thank you Jesus. 

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Puppy Pics

It's Thursday! That means I get to come home to KC tomorrow! Yay! I'm torn because I'm starting to freak out about my Pharmacology test on Monday - I need to get some studying done - but being home isn't always conducive to good studying! I'm going to make this work though. I can't wait to see my puppy!

We had our picture taken last Saturday! They turned out sooooo good! She's so gorgeous! Here's a little peek...

Aren't they fabulous!?! Nancy Garcia did such a great job! I've wanted pics like this for so long. The only sad part is that Brina isn't here and that I never got pics with her.

Anyway, looking forward to a busy but fun weekend with friends and horses!!! I haven't riden/worked with horses since I started vet school! :( I miss it and am so excited to possibly get to be with some this weekend!!! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention s'mores aftwerwards :) Yum!

Monday, November 30, 2009

God Talk

I had a good talk with God Friday night. I am so amazed that He still wants me after everything I’ve done and continue to do. I’m so easily distracted. All the shiny things and all the interesting people just catch my attention so quickly. I was ashamed to realize that often I am so eager to learn everything I can about something I have seen or heard about while I have never really felt that intense, immediate need to know Christ. Sure, I’ve experienced times of longing to know my savior, but the extreme excitement of learning about something I’m interested in is much more consuming than my desire to really get to know Christ has ever been.

But I was reassured that He knows my inner-workings and loves me anyway. “God loves us for ourselves.” He loves my enthusiasm and patiently waits for me to turn it and use it to seek after Him. I appreciate that the Spirit has convicted me about this lately. “The God we love may sometimes chasten us, it is true. But even this He does with a smile – the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising daughter who is coming everyday to look more and more like the One whose child she is.”


Father thank you for your never-changing love. I don’t deserve it but today I will wrap myself within it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Beautiful One - Beautiful Day

I woke up praising God this morning. I literally pulled back the covers, sat up, and started singing.

Beautiful One, I love!
Beautiful One, I adore!
Beautiful One, my soul must sing!

What an amazing way to start my day. I don’t know why it happened – I wish I did because I would aim to wake up like this every day!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Deep Questions

So there was some great discussion last night. One thing that we talked about was the fear of cheating on a spouse or significant other. I usually think about that in regards to what if he cheats on me? But last night I explored the possibility of being the unfaithful one.

I know from past experiences how easy it is to ignore what you know to be right and good and true in the heat of a moment. I’ve made conscious decisions to act unwisely and put myself in dangerous positions both physically and emotionally. Do I regret it? Yes. Am I ashamed of it? Yes. Have I been forgiven? Yes.

Through those experiences, I’ve learned how incredibly weak I am. How easily I give in. I can tell myself over and over that he failed to protect me, and while that is true, I need to also realize that I failed to protect myself. Nor did I do anything to protect him. During those times I found myself reveling in the feelings of being desired as a woman. That attention drove me to disregard my cautions and give parts of myself to a man who had not made even the slightest commitment of love or protection.

What makes me think that I won’t be just as willing to give into this need for reassurance as a female when I’m married? What if my husband isn’t meeting those needs but I meet someone else who is willing to do so? Will I be strong enough to say “no” then? What, if anything, would stop me? How can I make sure that I won’t fall and seek fulfillment elsewhere?

These questions and many more were running through my head as I drove home last night and I was able to come to some conclusions.

1. What I did yesterday does not determine who I am today. I have made mistakes but do not have to repeat those mistakes. Too often, we allow Satan that foothold of doubt, fear, and self-incrimination. Does Jesus remember my sins? No, they have been removed from me as far as the east is from the west! I have been set free from the chains that bound me to my depraved nature. I can and will choose to live and walk in His footsteps today and evermore.

2. Fear of “what-if” cannot rule my life. How sad it would be if I went through life worried about every little action and possibility. I am not saying that we should be flippant about our choices or actions; I personally think we should search our hearts and motives often, but we cannot let fear keep us from living the joy-filled lives that God has promised us through Jesus. I will also say that there seem to be many who tip the scale in the opposite direction (even in Christian circles) – never thinking about the impact that their decisions will have on their own lives or the lives of other people, let alone eternity. We must strike a balance between being paralyzed by fear of failure and living carelessly or recklessly.

3. Married or not, my main goal should be to live in continuous fellowship with Christ. I do not need to worry or fret about what sins I may or may not commit. All that is required of me is that I act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. If I consistently seek His face and His likeness in my life, I will be able to hear His Spirit speak to my heart when any trial or temptation comes my way. And if I am living in fullness through Jesus, He will not let me fall. So I choose to follow Him and to strive towards knowing and loving him better and deeper every day.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Friends Make Me Happy

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. Hearing from one of them just brightens my day. Doesn't matter who initiates or how long we talk or if it's just a quick note on facebook. Knowing people care about you is the best feeling in the world and I hope that I make people feel like that often.

I’m especially excited because I’m going to Jeff City tonight to have dinner with Christina. I love our dinner meetings. It isn’t just the dinner though, which is always wonderful, but the drive is half the fun. It’s a half hour each way and I usually use the time to think and pray or worship along with the radio. These times have become precious to me in the midst of my crazy business and insane study schedule.

I guess that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll have some revelations tonight to share later.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Come Find Me

I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night.
The signal's out. I'm ready now...

Feels like I'm right on the edge of falling. So close I can almost taste it, so beautiful that I'm shaking.
Seems like I've been standing here forever. I'm getting tired of hesitating. So if you're out there somewhere waiting...

I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night. The signal's out. I'm ready now, come find me.
Like a diamond shining in the sand, hold me in your hands. I'm calling out, I'm ready now, come find me.

Come find me, come find me... come find me.

I've always been so careful with my footsteps, so safe so delicate. I let my heart lose to my head - look where that got me.
Letting love just pass me by, missing out on butterflies. I wanna feel it now, so if you're out there waiting...

I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night. The signal's out. I'm ready now, come find me.
Like a diamond shining in the sand, hold me in your hands. I'm calling out, I'm ready now, come find me.

Come find me, come find me... come find me.

You're so close don't stop now. Getting so close, don't stop now.

I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night. The signal's out. I'm ready now, I'm ready...

I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, will you look for me? Lighting up the night, baby look for me! The signal's out. I'm ready now, come find me... come find me.
Like a diamond shining in the sand, will you look for me? Hold me in your hands. I'm calling out - I'm calling, I'm ready now - I'm ready... come find me.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Whew! One test down! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. There really wasn’t enough time though! Most of the class was still testing when they called time. I would have done better if I would have had 20 more minutes to double check my answers. Oh well, I’m just glad it’s over- now onto the next one!

At some point, I’d like to have time to write about what I’ve been struggling with recently. I’ve told some people, so maybe writing it down isn’t as important anymore, but it still helps me work through everything. Maybe I’ll have time next week, although by then I’ll probably have a whole new set of issues!

It’s sooooo beautiful outside today! Finally! After two straight weeks of nasty gloomy weather this change is most welcome! It’s sad though, that the instructors feel the need to entomb us in this conference room by completely lowering the blackout shades so we can’t see outside at all. Depressing.

Anyway, this weekend was a lot of fun. It was cool being home in KC and hanging out with my friends from COMO - kind of a mash up of both extremes of my world. We went to the American Royal to see the Championship Bull Riding. I love going to the American Royal – I think those of us from the KC area should support is as much as possible. I mean, it’s really cool that Kansas City hosts the largest livestock show in the world (and has for 110 years)!

The Halloween party with Oasis was great. Got to meet some new people and spend time with my old friends. Oh! And we went out to lunch Sunday and I got our table free dip because the waiter said I had a nice smile!!! Haha! What is it with me and waiters!?! Evidently I magically become more attractive when I’m in a restaurant and boys think I’m cute… or maybe they just want a better tip!

I’d better wrap this up – class is about to end. Yes, I have been very bad and am ignoring today’s public health lecture on Hepatitis. Bad Lisa!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I need a man

I wrote this while I was driving home from KC this past Sunday night. I wasn't feeling particularly lonely or desirous of a boyfriend. This just kind of seemed to come together in my head as a drove, so I thought I'd better make a memo so I wouldn't forget what I was thinking at the time. Here it is unedited.

I want a man willing to risk his life, never his reputation or honor. Someone who will gamble with his heart and not his wallet. I want a man with a vision and a willingness to incorporate my dreams and abilities into that vision. A leader who will guide and support me with gentleness and understanding. A man who is strong but chooses to open himself to vulnerability. I need a man who wants me more than anything but is independent enough to stand on his own. I want a man who has discipline and self-control who is not swayed by unhealthy desires or passions. A man who is loyal and is committed to protecting and nurturing what is his.

Is there a man out there like this? I sure hope so. In order to be worthy of him, there are always things I need to be working on as well. Tonight I worked on my baking skills! We're having a fundraiser tomorrow for our South Africa trip. Hopefully people buy my stuff!!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Playing Catch-Up!

So, the past two weeks have been absolutely horrible. Sleepless nights, worry, stress, and hours upon hours of studying that didn’t pay off. I got my first D in vet school. Very disappointing and embarrassing. I know this doesn’t mean I’m gonna be a bad doctor, but I still feel ashamed somehow. I know I’m not the only person who got a D, and I know there are some people who might be out for good unless the test was curved. I hope it is. I only need 7 points for a C.

I’m determined to do better this block. Gonna start studying tonight. Going to get organized and get to work! I know it’s not going to be any easier than last block, but hopefully if I get a head start, things will turn out better. I think I’ve even found a study buddy. That’s one thing that I haven’t had here at vet school. Whenever I used to study with people, I always felt inadequate and slow. Hopefully studying early with Katie will help me.

This weekend was pretty amazing though. I enjoyed not having to think about school at all. It was nice to be able to hang out with friends at home and not have to hurry back to Columbia to study for a test. Roxy Carley was super excited to see me this weekend. It was soooo cute! I love her more than anything and wish she could come live with me in COMO! We’re getting our pictures taken during Thanksgiving break! I can’t wait!

Haha! I bought some sweaters/jackets for Griswald this weekend!!! Now I wouldn’t normally torture a regular cat, but Griswald is anything but regular. He’s now an official therapy cat! He’s passed all his behavior exams and is ready to go on visits to the local retirement homes. So, since it’s getting cold outside and he’ll be doing more traveling this winter, I thought it only appropriate to get him a sweater or two! And a t-shirt, two jackets, and an elf outfit for Christmas….hehe – I know it’s pathetic! But also hilarious!!!

I’m also trying to decide whether to stay longer in Africa this summer. Not sure it’s going to work out. Not enough people are decisive about it and I am definitely not comfortable hanging out on my own in a strange country. Good news is airfare is $600 cheaper than we originally thought!

Have lots of annoying meetings this week. They just eat up time. Oh well, at least I get free food at most of them!

That’s really all that’s been happening in my neck of the woods these days. Wish me luck this block!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Wesley was a smart man

"O God, fill my soul with so entire a love of Thee that I may love nothing but for Thy sake and in subordination to Thy love. Give me grace to study Thy knowledge daily that the more I know Thee, the more I may love Thee. Create in me a zealous obedience to all Thy commands, a cheerful patience under all Thy chastisements, and a thankful resignation to all Thy disposals. Let it be the one business of my life to glorify Thee by every word of my tongue, by every work of my hand, by professing Thy truth, and by engaging all men, so far as in me lies, to glorify and love Thee." ~John Wesley

I'm starting a new accountability group tomorrow. Nervous and excited to see how things go. I don't know any of these ladies. Maybe that will turn into a good thing. I'm doing this so that I may grow closer with my God and purposefully seek him on a more regular basis. Groups like this allow you to open up and share motives behind thoughts and deeds - I hope that I can be vulnerable enough to share so I might be corrected in love and guided in the light.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Messed Up

I never learn. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? Even if I feel I might explode inside, I shouldn’t say everything I feel. Now I may have hurt and offended a dear friend. I know she may read this, but it isn’t for her – it’s for me.

Taking a step back and looking at reality, I see that I was aggravated because things weren’t happening how I wanted them to happen. Not just in this particular situation, but in regards to everything in my life right now. But that’s no excuse for blaming my angst on a certain person or event.

Yes, maybe there is some truth to my feelings. I expect so much from myself, it just spills over into my expectations for others. That’s not right, and I acknowledge that.

I try not to push my ideals and expectations onto others. I don’t like imposing on people and so usually don’t ask much of them. But somehow, in my mind, it doesn’t click that if I didn’t ask then I’m probably not going to receive. My expectations are too high anyway.

And I know that people don’t mean to let other people down. I know I never do. But I did today with my bad attitude. Hormones suck! But I can’t blame everything on them either. Bottom line, I acted selfishly. I was consumed with lonliness, misplaced disappointment, and thoughts of how things were affecting me. Earlier, the focus was less on myself and more on rational potential reasons for the circumstance, but for the past few days I just seem to blow everything out of proportion.

Funny how this post reads similarly to my previous one. I can’t seem to let go. While I wish this lesson were over, I obviously haven’t learned it well enough. I do, however think I’ve come to the heart of the issue – my selfishness and letting what I FEEL have precedence over what I KNOW.

Forgive me Father for taking my eyes off of you, for letting my feelings and circumstances rule my life again. I pray that you will help me to trust you and to find strength and comfort in your arms. I’m sorry that my words hurt others today, but I’m more sorry that I hurt you. Please help me to make things right with my friend and give her your grace to understand what I say and accept me as I am. Most importantly, help me to really learn from this experience so that in the future, I will be less likely to hurt others in the same way. Help me die to myself daily – for I sorely need to.

Change my heart oh God, make it ever true. Change my heart oh God, may I be like you.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Let me just rant for a few minutes. Don't know if it's the gloomy weather, or if I'm PMSing, but I just need to be mouthy for a bit.

I get sooooo frustrated when I tell my close friend I'm coming home a certain weekend and when we go to make plans we always seem to be limited by her finances. I'm sorry - I don't want to come home only to have the most boring weekend ever. I've told you numerous times for the past three weeks when I would be home. I shouldn't have to tiptoe around your spending issues! It's your fault you can't even keep a five dollar bill in your pocket for more than 1o minutes! Grrrrrrr! And this happens all the time. I don't really even feel like coming home now. Maybe I'll just spend the weekend with my parents and my dog.

And why do I get my hopes up where other friends are concerned. I'm let down every time. When will I learn that nothing is ever going to change - because people will always be people. I give up. Whatever.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a table in the middle of a crowded room, bleeding from having disected important parts of myself to give to others, screaming at the top of my lungs but everyone else just keeps going on with whatever they were doing the second before. But no one is there to patch me up and help me put the pieces together.

And why does it matter if anyone listens? Why does it matter that people show they care? Why aren't their occasional words enough? Why must I feel the need for them at all? Isn't Christ enough? He always listens. He waits to show me His love.

It's just that so many things turn out so different than I expect. So many people don't really act like I think they're going to. And I've already learned this lesson! So why do I always find myself hoping and believing that this time things will change? Why do I break my own heart?

Anyway, enough with the accusations and the self pity. Jesus is enough. I give Him my feelings and frustrations.

Jesus, thank you for remembering that I am feeble and mere dust. I give you my hurt. I give you my anger. I offer up my lonliness to you. Thank you that you have compassion on me and that you know how my heart was made. Please help me to see that you have already carried my griefs and sorrows. You know every tear that I shed today. Let me not wallow in self pity, but look to you for comfort and friendship. Let my current emptiness turn me towards you.

Friday, September 18, 2009


BRaiNdEaD – that is what I am. I’ve had a completely exhausting past three days (14 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours). If I don’t get sick it will be a miracle. Pretty drained emotionally too. My last two tests did NOT go well. And when I say that, I don’t mean I didn’t get an A – I really would be content if I passed… but I didn’t.

I can tell how tired I am because I’m not really freaking out. This should be something to get decently worked up about. And I do feel a little unsettled, but not nearly enough. Now I have to push and work really hard so that I pass those two classes. And that thought just makes me want to give up. I am beyond fatigued and don’t have the energy to think about studying now or in the future.

PS – I hate school.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Undeserved Love

I know I need You. I need to love You. I'd love to see You, and it's been so long. I long to feel You. I feel this need for You. And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now you pull me near You. When we're close I fear You. Still I'm afraid to tell You all that I've done. Are You done forgiving or can You look past my pretending? Lord, I'm so tired of defending what I've become. What have I become?

I hear You say,

"My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend.
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend.

Well My love is over, its underneath, it's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal.
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.

In times of confusion and chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm.
My love, I will keep you by my power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends, it never ends."

Friday, September 11, 2009


I think too much. What would I do if this happened? What kind of girlfriend/wife will I be? What should I say to this person? Who could I trust with that? There are so many things that I sit and dwell on that really have no bearing upon my life right now.

I need to learn to be content and not pine away for what I don’t have or continually plot to get those things. I need to realize that it doesn’t all depend on me and that I am not big enough to handle it all. More than anything, I need to quit wasting my time worrying about scenarios that more than likely will never happen!

I have more than enough on my plate right now to keep me busy. Lord, help me focus on what you have set before me at this moment. Please don’t let my past or my future distract me from what you would have me accomplish today.

I love you and desire to serve you with all that is in me. So, calm my heart and mind. Soften my spirit towards you and your grace. May I be ever mindful of your provision and protection in my life. I entrust everything to you, knowing that you desire to give me good things.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Are you for serious?

Seriously? You're asking me this now? Why? Is there a point? What are you trying to prove? I don't get it. You are annoying and full of doublespeak. I don't believe a word you say... and then you go and almost apologize and somehow, all of a sudden, I don't want to accuse and blame you. How is that fair?

At one time, yes, I wanted more from you. I wanted a relationship. I thought you were amazing. A real man - a servant, a leader, a God-follower. I know now what I didn't know then. It (most of it) was an act. A beautiful mask you wore so that I would fall for you. It worked. I fell fast and hard for you. I thought I even loved you at one point - silly, foolish girl. I'll never be that naive again.

I'm glad that nothing happened between us though. You caused enough damage and provided me with enough heartache. I'd hate to think how much worse it would have been if I would have let you kiss me or have any additional claim on my heart and emotions.

You took advantage of me. You knew I was weak and couldn't resist you and you used it to your advantage anyway. You were not the man I thought. A real man would have controlled himself and more importantly, protected me from myself. He would have cared about my emotional and spiritual well-being above his own need.

I know you never should have touched me. I never should have let you. Stupid, needy girl. But, since this is the closest thing to an apology I'll ever get, I guess I should at least be thankful that you are realizing you didn't act with honor. Not to say that my words and deeds were above reproach - because they weren't. But you should have known better. It was your responsibility as my brother and friend to care for me.

And I will be careful not to hold you to any standard. I have no expectations where you are concerned. That way you can't hurt me anymore. But, you will always disgust me. Don't bother telling me your new rules. The ways you are going to protect her like you should have protected me. But there's the difference - you really care about her. I was just convenient for you. You knew I couldn't ever say no.

I don't believe your self-righteous statements. Somehow, by some miracle, I still care for you and want the best for you. So I hope you succeed with your new guidelines. But I won't bet on it. Because you told me the same things. And we did it anyway.

So good luck my fair-weather friend, drama queen extraordinaire. I wish you the best, if for no other reason than hoping it will keep you from messing with my head again. Please grow up. I see faint signs that it may one day happen. I hope for her sake it does.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Back to Reality in COMO


Why does summer have to end? I only got 7 weeks - shouldn't that be illegal? I'm glad to see all my friends here, but am not looking forward to the hours of studying I know are coming at me like a speeding train...

Deperately trying to get organized and ready for what is to come. Time-wise my day-to-day schedule doesn't look too bad, but I know these courses are gonna be tough. I'm determined to really learn the material this year. Straight A's aren't a requirement, but I want to at least retain most of what I stuff in my brain. It'd be nice anyway...

Already off to a rocky start with the whole concession stand management thing. Surprise! You are in charge of designing and ordering T-shirts for all the first years! Grrr! I love how I've been asking if there's anything I need to be doing for months now, and they choose to bring this up two and a half weeks before the first game!

I also somehow got to COMO with 2 cats this time! Porkchop is on trial. There will be no inappropriate scratching, peeing, or pooping. If he's naughty he gets a first class ticket back to KC! He is sorta cute though...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Lisa Lost

What makes me who I am? Am I solely an unending chain of amino acids that orchestrate my every mood and motion? Are all my quirky traits inherited or are they learned? Just how much of me was determined by my biological parents? What have I acquired from my adoptive parents? Just how deep does nature vs. nurture run?

I saw a lot of myself in Holly. I see a lot of myself in my mother. I have a very interesting view point right now. Re-learning who I am and what makes me tick in relation to the many people who have contributed to my person. Physically I am a mix of my birthparents, most visibly my maternal side though. Vocally I take after Holly, musically after Matt. Emotionally I am like my mother, shy and reserved. I think like my adoptive parents in regards to most of life’s bumps and bunny trails. My sweet-tooth is inherited from both of my mothers.

Is anything simply mine? Is there any part of me that isn’t someone else's?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Friends and Milestones

I love my friends. They are one of the most important things in my life. And there are a certain special few who are irreplacable and extremely precious. I would do anything for these girls. And I know they would do anything for me. I laugh when they laugh, cry when they cry, and care more about them than I can express. I treasure the intimate connections between us - the ache for their wholeness and wellbeing, the joy and excitement of sharing milestones and victories, the sorrow and heaviness of sharing a burden. I am so honored that these women have let me into their lives and so blessed that I can share mine with them. I love you all.

I am facing a huge milestone in my life...

Tomorrow I will meet my birthmother for the first time. I have no idea what to expect, I have no inkling of how I'll feel. I'm just now starting to get nervous. Will I cry? I know she probably will. My parents will too, come to think about it. Will that embarass me? More than likely, yes, because I don't like being the center of attention in that way.

I'm more than confident that my parents know that this does not change our relationship. They are still my Mom and Dad - nothing in the world could change that. They raised me. My mother is my best friend and I love my Daddy more than anything. I still worry about what they are going through on my account though. My mom isn't always strong emotionally, so I hope that everything goes well and there is never a moment where she feels out of place or underappreciated.

Well, I'd better get packing. I have a big, big weekend ahead. Please pray for me.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


I'm coming to terms with what has happened. I still ache if I let myself dwell on it, but I'm working through it and trying to decide what to say when the time comes. I've come to the conclusion that forgiveness, like love, is to be given unconditionally. Still unsure of whether I want the other offended party to know what transpired that night. I feel somehow he might turn it back around on me and suggest that it was my fault that this happened.

I took Roxy to the park this afternoon. She loved it. Except when she saw other dogs. I own a dog-aggressive German Shepherd = I am such a bad mommy! She's a guard dog and we have a lot of strays where we live, so her aggressiveness is excusable, but I wish I could take her to the dog park and let her play, but she would just freak out and behave badly. The next dog I get will be so socialized I'll be able to take it everywhere! But I still love my Roxy Carley more than anything, even when she's naughty!

Monday, July 27, 2009


Funny how people can turn on you in ways you’d never expect. Interesting to know that you will eventually forgive them, but yet can’t even bear thinking about the situation. Shocking to see years’ worth of trust shattered in one evening.

I don’t know how to talk to him again. What he did was so incredibly wrong. He had no right and I have never been this mad in my entire life. He thinks he hurt me – he’s wrong. I’m not hurt, I’m livid. More than that I am ashamed, embarrassed, and feel completely exposed and violated.

So many emotions are boiling inside me. I’m outraged and want nothing more than to scream and break and tear. And I am broken – bleeding out and struggling for air. I have never been more naked than I feel right now.

I don’t know what he saw, nor do I want to. It doesn’t matter. My privacy was shattered and my wishes ignored.

His apologies sicken me. I don’t want to see his face or hear his voice. The simpering and begging I know are coming churn my stomach and make me want to retch. I am completely disgusted.

I want to strike back. I long to tell the other offended party and allow him to rip this guy to shreds. I am so desperate to at least have the other half know the pain I am in; to have him take my side and comfort me. But I am loyal and am not a mean person by nature. So no matter what I wish I could do – I really cannot bear to hurt the offender like he’s hurt me.

God, how do I get past this? How do I pick up the shreds of our relationship? Can it be mended? Lord, you must help me forgive. I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. I choose to forgive, I will try to forget, but I won’t ever fully trust him again.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Life is interesting. I thought that maybe it's time to begin documenting mine again. I stopped journaling about 3 years ago. Hopefully the convienience of my keyboard will encourage me to write about my thoughts, experiences, hopes, and prayers once more. I plan on making this a place where I can express myself freely - my frustrations, fears, and fun moments. All the highs and lows of my daily life.

It would take me forever to catch you up on the last few years of my life, so I won't go there. Suffice it to say, I grew up alot. Life is about learning and becoming the woman that God designed me to be. I suppose I should brush you up on the basics though...

My name is Lisa and I am a 24 year-old graduate student studying Veterinary Medicine. Animals are my God-given passion. Nothing touches my heart like His magnificent creation, and I plan on using the desires and talents He's given me to become closer to God by caring for and protecting that creation.

So, thanks for taking the time to read this blog and I guess we'll soon see where my writing leads.