Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Post Christmas Blues

So I'm back in Columbia after a wonderful week-long break for Christmas.  It sucks.  I miss Remington so much already!  We're kinda ridiculous like that and enjoy being around each other all the time.  Anyway, it doesn't help that I really don't enjoy this rotation (pathology).  It's just a whole bunch of cutting up dead things, getting smelly, and then doing a load of busy work.  Blech!

Christmas was absolutely amazing though!  Rem came to our house for the whole day!  He completely spoiled me rotten!  I didn't expect ANY presents from him because he already bought me a new Macbook Air last month when my computer keeled over AND he bought super great seats and took me to see The Nutcracker last Friday!  WAAAAAY too much already right?  This boy just doesn't know when to stop (and I secretly love him even more for that)!  He got me a really cute pair of shoes I'd been eyeing and a brand new, limited edition, red Kitchen Aide mixer!!!  Wow!  I don't deserve such spoilage!

Suffice it to say, I spent to much and spoiled him too!  He got a ton of stylish clothes, books, a bluetooth, as well as some other items he really wanted.  I also got him a massaging bed rest, but we ended up taking it back because it wasn't exactly what I expected and vibrated more than massaged.  But that's okay, he said he'd rather put the money into starting our salt water fish tank.  He's really excited to start that up - maybe we'll be able to do some more around his birthday.  He was also able to use some gift cards he received to buy a new Xbox, as his pooped out a couple of days before Christmas.  He's not a big gamer, but he really likes to play every once in a while to relax.

I hope that I can get back home this weekend for New Years!  My friend Tammi is coming into town and I'm hoping to get to spend a little time with her.  It's weird though, because the group of people that used to hang out when she still lived in town is so different and dispersed now.  I invite several people from that group to do things and hang out, but they never do.  I know the Sunday School class has always kind of had cliques, but
NEVER like this.  I've completely lost a best friend from college - she's demonstrated that she doesn't REALLY care on numerous occasions.  And it just plain annoys me that no one from their group ever darkens the doors of our get-togethers - it's like they are soooo much better than everyone else.  They won't show up unless one of them is hosting or planning the event.  They disgust me.

Anyway, I still have to sit here in this room for another hour.  My homework was frustrating me so much this morning that I plan on completely ignoring it until tomorrow!

Friday, November 18, 2011


I have learned that I have a special talent.  I am exceptionally good at freaking myself out.  I guess I always knew I was a good worrier, a scaredy-cat.  But sometimes it just goes too far.  Even when I was little, I'd come up with these elaborate scenarios of "what if".  What if.... the house caught on fire or there was a tornado?  Then in my teen years it became, what if I were abducted or raped.  Now that I'm in a relationship, I find it's what if he cheats on me or is secretly looking at porn? 

It's getting rediculous and beginning to interfere with real life.  I'm sick of being scared.  I'm tired of spending hours worrying and getting myself worked up over things that aren't reality.  Yes, I suppose these things could happen, but the likelihood that they will is very slim.  I have to relax.  I have to trust that God is in control.  I know beyond any doubt that I would survive all these scenarios, maybe move past them even, but the fear of "what if" keeps me paralyzed.  It's stunting my growth and at times threatens my relationships.

And the most recent thing that has been interrupted by my worrying (and now my blogging) is studying for the NAVLE - which is yet another source of fear and stress.  I'm nervous (terrified really) of not passing.  Yes, there's a second opportunity to pass, but I DO NOT want to be the one who has to take it again.  The shame, embarrassment, and just plain hassle of doing it all over again weigh on me and sometimes make it hard to breathe.  I'm trying, but even in the trying, feel like I'm already failing.

God please fix me.  Please give me a sense of peace that I know I am unable to obtain on my own right now.  Calm me down and help me to do my best, both on the test and with my life.  It's all yours anyway.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Lost And Found

I found an old poem I wrote a few years ago and thought I'd post it just for fun.  It's called Open Your Other Eye....

Open your other eye.

Don’t think for one second
That what happened didn’t hurt me too
The distrust I “earned” after trying so hard to be true

A knife through my heart when at last
Your true opinion of me was shown
I just wish that I would have guarded my heart or somehow known

That nothing I do will be good enough
The choices I make will fall short
I give up from now on; it’s time to move along
And live my life no longer for you.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Too Much Sun

Ouch!  I've got a sun headache!  I'm on equine right now, so was surprised when we got out at 3:15!  It was really hot outside, but I went to the pool anyway!  I took some water to stay hydrated and a good book.  I'm getting pretty dark...for me anyway! :)

Things are going well.  Equine is stressfull and I am having a hard time being away from Rem for so long.  I'm praying really hard that he gets this IT job at GMC so that he can pay off some bills and finally have some money to come see me.  It's really expensive with his gas guzzling truck! 

Matt (my birthfather) and his family came down a couple of weeks ago.  We hung out, went to the zoo, and they even came to church with us.  I think everyone had a good time (even my half sisters). 

Welp, I'd better get back to studying...icky!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

So Rediculously Frustrated!!!

I am so beyond frustrated right now!  Why can't I stand up for myself?  Why do I always give in to other people - even when they don't deserve my sacrifice or compassion?  There's a big stud ram sale coming up that we have to help with in Sedalia, MO.  We each have to work one day.  My friend Lauren signed me up for Wednesday (I was in KC at the hospital with Dad) because she knew I was trying to get home that weekend.  Well there's this Paine in the *** in our group who says he has a "personal event" Friday that he needs to go to.  He won't be more specific, undoubtably because he knows it doesn't hold a candle to me needing to be at home to help take care of my Dad. 

1.  I got signed up first.  He didn't.  Too bad.
2.  I don't want to work 7:30am-11pm (not counting travel time) on Friday.  I'd much rather work 10:30am-6pm on Wednesday like I was signed up for.
3. I want/need to be at home as much as possible the next 4 weekends while my dad is restricted to the house.  I'm sure my mom not only needs help caring for him, but taking care of all the other things around the house and would definitely appreciate time out of the house while I stay with Dad.

I'm so mad!!!  He knew exactly how to manipulate the situation.  And I'm mad at myself for not being stronger!  I wanted to say "no" with every fiber of my being.  But I worry too much about other people considering me selfish (which I don't think it would have been if I said no) or that I'm not a team player.  I don't even like this guy!  He didn't even have the balls to tell me exactly why he needed to have that time off!  Infuriating!!!  I heard that he is wanting to go out of town with his girlfriend, who I know for a fact lives in COMO and he can see any day of the week!  Why am I such a sucker???  I am waaaaay to nice - to people who don't deserve it! 

And I'm worried that my anger and frustration are going to show through to the clinicians.  I don't want them to think I have a bad attitude.  But it's just not fair!  I didn't want to say yes.  And he didn't even say THANK YOU!  Grrrrrrrr! 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden goes bye-bye!

Last night, our military troops attacked the compound were the Al Quieda leader, Bin Laden, had been hiding and were successful in ending his life.  I can't say that I'm happy about condemning a man to hell, for surely that's where he was headed, but I have to admit that I was quite relieved that he is gone.  I am also so proud of our military personnel.  They have worked long and hard to ensure the safety of both the American and Middle Eastern people.  This event seems to have sparked our countries patriotism and appreciation for our troops again. 

There are many people, including our current President, who don't approve of the work our men and women are doing overseas.  I think it's a bit sad and ironic that the public is praising this man (Obama) like he was the one to send the troops in the first place.  So few choose to remember that it was originally President Bush's goal and desire to see justice met after 9/11.  In the long run though, it the troops that matter. 

I'm especially proud knowing that my love worked to protect those he loved and the country he loved by serving so honorably.  I know that some people would say that I have it easy and don't know what being with a military man really means because I wasn't with him when he was on active duty.  But once a Marine, always a Marine and I am proud just the same.  My man is strong and capable.  He is willing to fight for what is right.  I love my Marine!  On a side note:  I am really grateful that he did not have to serve in Afghanistan.  I selfishly rejoice that he was given the opportunity to lead and train new recruits instead of being caught in the cross fire.  What he did was an important part of enabling our troops to be able to perform their duties to keep our country safe. 

This weekend was amazing.  I drove up to KC to visit my man.  Friday night after eating at our favorite place, Pei Wei, we went over to a friends house and watched a movie.  Saturday I got my hair cut and then after lunch at Winsteads we spent the afternoon at the Nelson Atkins Art Museum.  We took the long way home and probably spent about 2 hours just meandering through the rich neighborhoods of KC, dreaming of the house we might one day own.  We then got 2 cherry limeaids from sonic and drove to a nearby park and walked along the trails for a while.  We watched a movie and I enjoyed cuddling on the couch.  Unfortunately, I got a headache so we had to go to Target to get me some medicine where we ran into one of his ex-girlfriends (the one that caused all the trouble about 3 weeks ago).  It was awkward and put a damper on the rest of the evening, but we worked through it. 

Sunday we went to church and ate at Texas Roadhouse afterwards.  We had some really nice conversation about faith and doubt as well as our relationship and the positive way we've been able to communicate so far.  That afternoon and evening was spent playing a board game with some friends.  Our goodbye was difficult as usual, but it was one of the sweetest ever.  We listened to a song and he told me how much he loved me and what I meant to him.  I can't wait to see him again this Friday!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Gilmore Girls Again...

I'm finishing up the entire 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls for the second time tonight (NOT including the initial air dates).  Gilmore Girls might just be the best TV series ever.  True, there's no singing and dancing like in GLEE (my other favorite), but it's just so superior to any other show!   Bones is good too, I'd like to work on getting all those seasons for my collection next.

Anyway.  School is good.  I'm on my radiology rotation right now.  It's been steady and fairly interesting.  My group is good too, everyone seems to be working well together.  It's storming outside right now.  It seems like every time the weather warms up, it rains!  But overall, I am soooo glad spring is finally here!  I was getting so sick of all the cold weather!

I really miss Rem.  We hit a pretty big bump last Tuesday.  It was really rough for a while.  I'm getting through it... we're getting through it.  I love him soooo much, but I know I can never let that stop me from asking hard questions and evaluating our relationship and where it is headed.  At times I'm excited and hopeful, other times I'm terrified and full of doubts.  I really needed him - he always seems to make things better, he calms me down - so he came up last Sat.  It was good.  We hung out, watched movies on his blow-up mattress in the living room, went bowling, and cooked spaghetti together.  When he's at home, we talk several times a day.  He says he hates talking on the phone, but honestly he calls me as much as I call him!  Can you tell that I'm missing him like crazy right now???

Well, my computer is about to die (I really need a new one soon), so I'd better go!  Here's to growning, learning, and loving!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Another New Beginning

I met my birth father for the first time yesterday.  My parents, Rem, and I drove up to Des Moines Iowa early in the morning in order to meet Matt and his family.  Rem and I somehow managed to squeeze ourselves into a reclining position together in the back and slept most of the way there.  We all met up at a local Mexican restaurant.  It was slightly awkward at first and I could tell Matt was really nervous, but things became less awkward as the day progressed. 

After lunch, we all went back to their house and looked at tons of old photographs.  It was a really good time of just relaxing and getting to know each other.  It helped to have my family and Rem there.  His daughters seemed nice, but I kept noticing the oldest one, Sarah, staring at me.  Not that I minded.  If I suddenly had an older half sister, I'd probably be staring at her too.  They seem like a normal family and his wife Anna is especially sweet.  She was adopted too, so it was nice having someone else there that knew what I was feeling and going through at the moment.  She hasn't searched for her birth father yet, but said that I had inspired her to do so.  I thought that was a nice thing to say.

Matt seems very interested and eager to come visit me in KC this summer.  I am glad that he was so open to having me in his life.  He'd literally been thinking about finding me for years!

Anyway, I'm enjoying my last real break before heading back to school for 8 months straight!  I hope I can make it and don't get burned out!  And leaving Rem again will be hard again, I'm sure.  I'm trying not to think about it yet - just enjoying his nearness now.  Speaking of, I feel the need to cuddle coming on so I'm going to have to cut this short and cozy on up to my man.  Later all!    :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Yay for March!!!  It's a good month.  Saturday is Remington and I's 6 month anniversary!  Can you believe it's been 6 months!?!  I sure can't!  He just moved into a new apartment and is busy getting all set up there in Olathe.  I've got 1 week left on local medicine.  Today was so busy I had 2 cases and tomorrow looks even crazier!!!  Remington's 28th birthday is on Sunday.  I bought him a really nice study Bible and had his name engraved on it.  I hope he likes it and thinks it's a good gift.  We are starting a new church-wide Bible study/devotional for lent next week and his old Bible is pretty outdated, so I thought he might appreciate a new one.  I'm also going to surprise him by blindfolding him and driving him down to Bartle Hall for the Auto Show on Saturday.  Keeping my fingers crossed that it'll be a fun and exciting time for him.

My birthday is on the 12th!  And my greatest gift is the fact that I have another 3 weeks off and am going home!  I can't wait!  Especially since I'm not doing a preceptorship and I really don't think I even want to work at all!  Free time - hooray!  I'm already starting a list of things I want to get done!  Helping Rem and Marty decorate their new place is definitely on the list!  I'm so jealous they have a nice new apartment to decorate!  My apartment place was nice enough to allow me to draw up a special 10 month lease for next year due to the fact that I will be graduating in May.  Only downer is my rent is going up $15 a month.  It's expensive being an adult and taking care of yourself! 

I'm also trying to arrange a meeting with my birthfather and his family.  The date is tentatively set for March 20th.  We'll probably stay for just the day, but we still need to work out the details.  It should be good.  Matt said that both of the girls will be on spring break and staying at home during that time, so that's nice.  And I plan on bringing my parents and Rem for moral support because I'll be nervous when the time comes.  Well, I have a test on Friday - yes, they still throw tests at us even though we're in clinics now - so I'd better do some more studying! 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

PMS Sucks!

I think it's somewhat comical when guys comment on how horrible it is for them when women are PMSing.  Like it's a walk in the park for us!  HA!  You think I like being irrationally emotional.  You really believe that I want to cry at the drop of a hat.  You think I enjoy sounding like a crazy person???  And I'm a lot luckier than most women - I don't really have as many physical side effects of PMS that a lot of women have.  It just gets so frustrating sometimes feeling depressed and upset without being able to pin-point what is wrong, let alone know what to do to fix it!  If there were a magic button that would remove the angst and discontent, you'd better believe I'd be smacking it before you could even blink bucko!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Happy New Year!!!

Oh my word!  It's been so long since I've blogged!  I didn't write anything in December!  Oooops!  So sorry, although I seriously doubt anyone really reads this blog - it's just my outlet.  Anyway, things are going well and Christmas was wonderful.  Remington absolutely outdid himself and spoiled me rotten.  I told him I loved him - his reaction was priceless and is etched in my mind forever.  He really didn't understand what I was saying when I said that I had another gift to give him and that it was my heart.  He started to say "awwww," right as I said "I love you, Remington."  Time stood still.  His pupils widened and narrowed in disbelief and he had to ask "what did you say?"  I told him again and he replied "really?"  He was so happy he admitted to being close to tears, which made me love him even more!  We sat and hugged on the couch, talking quietly for the next 15 minutes.  It was my best Christmas ever. 

My mother has informed me that Griswald is not coming back to COMO with me, but will be staying here in KC with her!  Haha!  I knew this would happen!  That little booger just weasels his way into everyone's heart.  I think even Roxy will be sad to see him go (she was caught trying to get him to play with her the other day).

My preceptorship at Blackbob Pet Hospital is going great!  I really like it there!  My friend from college (Sarah Cochran Armstrong) has worked there as a technician for several years and we've had fun catching up!  I've gotten to perform several solo mass removals, removed some teeth, sutured wounds and surgical sites, and so much more!  It's an all female practice, but everyone gets along relatively well and I think that this is a practice where I could see myself working someday.  I've been contemplating becoming board certified in physical therapy.  I think it's an interesting up-and-coming field that I would like to be involved in. 

Bible study is going well.  We are studying the book entitled Love and Respect.  It has sparked a lot of good conversation between Rem and I.  We're really learning a lot about each other.  It can be a bit awkward in the group though, because his ex-girlfriend is also a part of the study.  She has created a little trouble (nothing that I can't handle or that would cause me to worry in any way, but just additional stress that needn't be there).  I know it's hard for her to see Rem and I together, so I do my best to be respectful and refrain from being overly affectionate with Rem when she is around but I feel like our relationship is under the group's collective microscope and that people are looking for ways that we try to hurt her.  It's annoying and hurtful.  Why are grown adults so incapable of minding their own business and not stirring up drama?

I'm learning just how insecure I am as a girl.  I've always know that I have some insecurities and that there were things about myself that I didn't like.  But it almost seems as if being in a relationship just magnifies those insecurities 100 fold.  It's so stupid and counter-productive.  Part of the reason they say men are attracted to a woman is because of her confidence.  So why do I lose mine when I finally get a man???  I feel like I constantly mess up and send him messages that tell him that I don't really trust him and that I don't really believe him when he tells me he loves me.  Then I feel like such a heel for giving that impression.  It's probably partly due to the fact that I've never been in a relationship before, which makes me feel bad all over again knowing that he has to deal with my irrational and somewhat immature behavior regarding certain issues.  I'm fairly grounded and logical, but sometimes I'm ashamed at what a weak woman I can be.

Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted and really need to go to bed now.  I hope you enjoyed my lengthy update.  Until next time (which will hopefully be sooner rather than later)!