Messed Up

I never learn. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? Even if I feel I might explode inside, I shouldn’t say everything I feel. Now I may have hurt and offended a dear friend. I know she may read this, but it isn’t for her – it’s for me.

Taking a step back and looking at reality, I see that I was aggravated because things weren’t happening how I wanted them to happen. Not just in this particular situation, but in regards to everything in my life right now. But that’s no excuse for blaming my angst on a certain person or event.

Yes, maybe there is some truth to my feelings. I expect so much from myself, it just spills over into my expectations for others. That’s not right, and I acknowledge that.

I try not to push my ideals and expectations onto others. I don’t like imposing on people and so usually don’t ask much of them. But somehow, in my mind, it doesn’t click that if I didn’t ask then I’m probably not going to receive. My expectations are too high anyway.

And I know that people don’t mean to let other people down. I know I never do. But I did today with my bad attitude. Hormones suck! But I can’t blame everything on them either. Bottom line, I acted selfishly. I was consumed with lonliness, misplaced disappointment, and thoughts of how things were affecting me. Earlier, the focus was less on myself and more on rational potential reasons for the circumstance, but for the past few days I just seem to blow everything out of proportion.

Funny how this post reads similarly to my previous one. I can’t seem to let go. While I wish this lesson were over, I obviously haven’t learned it well enough. I do, however think I’ve come to the heart of the issue – my selfishness and letting what I FEEL have precedence over what I KNOW.

Forgive me Father for taking my eyes off of you, for letting my feelings and circumstances rule my life again. I pray that you will help me to trust you and to find strength and comfort in your arms. I’m sorry that my words hurt others today, but I’m more sorry that I hurt you. Please help me to make things right with my friend and give her your grace to understand what I say and accept me as I am. Most importantly, help me to really learn from this experience so that in the future, I will be less likely to hurt others in the same way. Help me die to myself daily – for I sorely need to.

Change my heart oh God, make it ever true. Change my heart oh God, may I be like you.

Frustrations

Let me just rant for a few minutes. Don't know if it's the gloomy weather, or if I'm PMSing, but I just need to be mouthy for a bit.

I get sooooo frustrated when I tell my close friend I'm coming home a certain weekend and when we go to make plans we always seem to be limited by her finances. I'm sorry - I don't want to come home only to have the most boring weekend ever. I've told you numerous times for the past three weeks when I would be home. I shouldn't have to tiptoe around your spending issues! It's your fault you can't even keep a five dollar bill in your pocket for more than 1o minutes! Grrrrrrr! And this happens all the time. I don't really even feel like coming home now. Maybe I'll just spend the weekend with my parents and my dog.

And why do I get my hopes up where other friends are concerned. I'm let down every time. When will I learn that nothing is ever going to change - because people will always be people. I give up. Whatever.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a table in the middle of a crowded room, bleeding from having disected important parts of myself to give to others, screaming at the top of my lungs but everyone else just keeps going on with whatever they were doing the second before. But no one is there to patch me up and help me put the pieces together.

And why does it matter if anyone listens? Why does it matter that people show they care? Why aren't their occasional words enough? Why must I feel the need for them at all? Isn't Christ enough? He always listens. He waits to show me His love.

It's just that so many things turn out so different than I expect. So many people don't really act like I think they're going to. And I've already learned this lesson! So why do I always find myself hoping and believing that this time things will change? Why do I break my own heart?

Anyway, enough with the accusations and the self pity. Jesus is enough. I give Him my feelings and frustrations.

Jesus, thank you for remembering that I am feeble and mere dust. I give you my hurt. I give you my anger. I offer up my lonliness to you. Thank you that you have compassion on me and that you know how my heart was made. Please help me to see that you have already carried my griefs and sorrows. You know every tear that I shed today. Let me not wallow in self pity, but look to you for comfort and friendship. Let my current emptiness turn me towards you.

BRaiNdEaD

BRaiNdEaD – that is what I am. I’ve had a completely exhausting past three days (14 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours). If I don’t get sick it will be a miracle. Pretty drained emotionally too. My last two tests did NOT go well. And when I say that, I don’t mean I didn’t get an A – I really would be content if I passed… but I didn’t.

I can tell how tired I am because I’m not really freaking out. This should be something to get decently worked up about. And I do feel a little unsettled, but not nearly enough. Now I have to push and work really hard so that I pass those two classes. And that thought just makes me want to give up. I am beyond fatigued and don’t have the energy to think about studying now or in the future.

PS – I hate school.

Undeserved Love

I know I need You. I need to love You. I'd love to see You, and it's been so long. I long to feel You. I feel this need for You. And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Now you pull me near You. When we're close I fear You. Still I'm afraid to tell You all that I've done. Are You done forgiving or can You look past my pretending? Lord, I'm so tired of defending what I've become. What have I become?

I hear You say,

"My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.

The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'

The times you've broken, the times that you mend.

The times you hate Me and the times that you bend.

Well My love is over, its underneath, it's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing and when your heart breaks.

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.

The times you're hurting, the times that you heal.

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.

In times of confusion and chaos and pain.

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm.

My love, I will keep you by my power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been.

I'll never forsake you, My love never ends, it never ends."

Distracted

I think too much. What would I do if this happened? What kind of girlfriend/wife will I be? What should I say to this person? Who could I trust with that? There are so many things that I sit and dwell on that really have no bearing upon my life right now.

I need to learn to be content and not pine away for what I don’t have or continually plot to get those things. I need to realize that it doesn’t all depend on me and that I am not big enough to handle it all. More than anything, I need to quit wasting my time worrying about scenarios that more than likely will never happen!

I have more than enough on my plate right now to keep me busy. Lord, help me focus on what you have set before me at this moment. Please don’t let my past or my future distract me from what you would have me accomplish today.

I love you and desire to serve you with all that is in me. So, calm my heart and mind. Soften my spirit towards you and your grace. May I be ever mindful of your provision and protection in my life. I entrust everything to you, knowing that you desire to give me good things.