Messed Up

I never learn. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? Even if I feel I might explode inside, I shouldn’t say everything I feel. Now I may have hurt and offended a dear friend. I know she may read this, but it isn’t for her – it’s for me.

Taking a step back and looking at reality, I see that I was aggravated because things weren’t happening how I wanted them to happen. Not just in this particular situation, but in regards to everything in my life right now. But that’s no excuse for blaming my angst on a certain person or event.

Yes, maybe there is some truth to my feelings. I expect so much from myself, it just spills over into my expectations for others. That’s not right, and I acknowledge that.

I try not to push my ideals and expectations onto others. I don’t like imposing on people and so usually don’t ask much of them. But somehow, in my mind, it doesn’t click that if I didn’t ask then I’m probably not going to receive. My expectations are too high anyway.

And I know that people don’t mean to let other people down. I know I never do. But I did today with my bad attitude. Hormones suck! But I can’t blame everything on them either. Bottom line, I acted selfishly. I was consumed with lonliness, misplaced disappointment, and thoughts of how things were affecting me. Earlier, the focus was less on myself and more on rational potential reasons for the circumstance, but for the past few days I just seem to blow everything out of proportion.

Funny how this post reads similarly to my previous one. I can’t seem to let go. While I wish this lesson were over, I obviously haven’t learned it well enough. I do, however think I’ve come to the heart of the issue – my selfishness and letting what I FEEL have precedence over what I KNOW.

Forgive me Father for taking my eyes off of you, for letting my feelings and circumstances rule my life again. I pray that you will help me to trust you and to find strength and comfort in your arms. I’m sorry that my words hurt others today, but I’m more sorry that I hurt you. Please help me to make things right with my friend and give her your grace to understand what I say and accept me as I am. Most importantly, help me to really learn from this experience so that in the future, I will be less likely to hurt others in the same way. Help me die to myself daily – for I sorely need to.

Change my heart oh God, make it ever true. Change my heart oh God, may I be like you.