Friday, August 28, 2009

Are you for serious?

Seriously? You're asking me this now? Why? Is there a point? What are you trying to prove? I don't get it. You are annoying and full of doublespeak. I don't believe a word you say... and then you go and almost apologize and somehow, all of a sudden, I don't want to accuse and blame you. How is that fair?

At one time, yes, I wanted more from you. I wanted a relationship. I thought you were amazing. A real man - a servant, a leader, a God-follower. I know now what I didn't know then. It (most of it) was an act. A beautiful mask you wore so that I would fall for you. It worked. I fell fast and hard for you. I thought I even loved you at one point - silly, foolish girl. I'll never be that naive again.

I'm glad that nothing happened between us though. You caused enough damage and provided me with enough heartache. I'd hate to think how much worse it would have been if I would have let you kiss me or have any additional claim on my heart and emotions.

You took advantage of me. You knew I was weak and couldn't resist you and you used it to your advantage anyway. You were not the man I thought. A real man would have controlled himself and more importantly, protected me from myself. He would have cared about my emotional and spiritual well-being above his own need.

I know you never should have touched me. I never should have let you. Stupid, needy girl. But, since this is the closest thing to an apology I'll ever get, I guess I should at least be thankful that you are realizing you didn't act with honor. Not to say that my words and deeds were above reproach - because they weren't. But you should have known better. It was your responsibility as my brother and friend to care for me.

And I will be careful not to hold you to any standard. I have no expectations where you are concerned. That way you can't hurt me anymore. But, you will always disgust me. Don't bother telling me your new rules. The ways you are going to protect her like you should have protected me. But there's the difference - you really care about her. I was just convenient for you. You knew I couldn't ever say no.

I don't believe your self-righteous statements. Somehow, by some miracle, I still care for you and want the best for you. So I hope you succeed with your new guidelines. But I won't bet on it. Because you told me the same things. And we did it anyway.

So good luck my fair-weather friend, drama queen extraordinaire. I wish you the best, if for no other reason than hoping it will keep you from messing with my head again. Please grow up. I see faint signs that it may one day happen. I hope for her sake it does.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Back to Reality in COMO


Why does summer have to end? I only got 7 weeks - shouldn't that be illegal? I'm glad to see all my friends here, but am not looking forward to the hours of studying I know are coming at me like a speeding train...

Deperately trying to get organized and ready for what is to come. Time-wise my day-to-day schedule doesn't look too bad, but I know these courses are gonna be tough. I'm determined to really learn the material this year. Straight A's aren't a requirement, but I want to at least retain most of what I stuff in my brain. It'd be nice anyway...

Already off to a rocky start with the whole concession stand management thing. Surprise! You are in charge of designing and ordering T-shirts for all the first years! Grrr! I love how I've been asking if there's anything I need to be doing for months now, and they choose to bring this up two and a half weeks before the first game!

I also somehow got to COMO with 2 cats this time! Porkchop is on trial. There will be no inappropriate scratching, peeing, or pooping. If he's naughty he gets a first class ticket back to KC! He is sorta cute though...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Lisa Lost

What makes me who I am? Am I solely an unending chain of amino acids that orchestrate my every mood and motion? Are all my quirky traits inherited or are they learned? Just how much of me was determined by my biological parents? What have I acquired from my adoptive parents? Just how deep does nature vs. nurture run?

I saw a lot of myself in Holly. I see a lot of myself in my mother. I have a very interesting view point right now. Re-learning who I am and what makes me tick in relation to the many people who have contributed to my person. Physically I am a mix of my birthparents, most visibly my maternal side though. Vocally I take after Holly, musically after Matt. Emotionally I am like my mother, shy and reserved. I think like my adoptive parents in regards to most of life’s bumps and bunny trails. My sweet-tooth is inherited from both of my mothers.

Is anything simply mine? Is there any part of me that isn’t someone else's?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Friends and Milestones

I love my friends. They are one of the most important things in my life. And there are a certain special few who are irreplacable and extremely precious. I would do anything for these girls. And I know they would do anything for me. I laugh when they laugh, cry when they cry, and care more about them than I can express. I treasure the intimate connections between us - the ache for their wholeness and wellbeing, the joy and excitement of sharing milestones and victories, the sorrow and heaviness of sharing a burden. I am so honored that these women have let me into their lives and so blessed that I can share mine with them. I love you all.

I am facing a huge milestone in my life...

Tomorrow I will meet my birthmother for the first time. I have no idea what to expect, I have no inkling of how I'll feel. I'm just now starting to get nervous. Will I cry? I know she probably will. My parents will too, come to think about it. Will that embarass me? More than likely, yes, because I don't like being the center of attention in that way.

I'm more than confident that my parents know that this does not change our relationship. They are still my Mom and Dad - nothing in the world could change that. They raised me. My mother is my best friend and I love my Daddy more than anything. I still worry about what they are going through on my account though. My mom isn't always strong emotionally, so I hope that everything goes well and there is never a moment where she feels out of place or underappreciated.

Well, I'd better get packing. I have a big, big weekend ahead. Please pray for me.