Monday, October 25, 2010

So Beyond Exhausted

Whew!  I am soooooo tired.  I got to the VMTH (Veterinary Medicine Teaching Hospital) at 6:30 this morning and didn't leave until 7:15 tonight.  I still have to go back, because I have 10pm meds duty and am lucky enough to have to be back by 6 am tomorrow morning!  Yay for surgery!  I have to put on about 10 layers of concealer to hide the huge dark circles under my eyes.  I guess this is good training for having a baby someday - I hear new parents don't get much rest either.

I've been in a funk the last few days too.  I think it was because I had a little time off this weekend.  It sounds funny, I know, but there was just enough time to do absolutely nothing.  I couldn't go home to KC because I had to be back at the VMTH at around 7 both Saturday and Sunday, but had too much time on my hands to just sit and think about all the quality time with Remington that I was missing.  This was compounded by the fact that we didn't really talk much on Sunday.  I know he's busy and I don't expect him to stop socializing because I'm not around, but I guess I was just feeling a bit needy and wishing that he would skip going to Perkins with everyone and talk to me instead.

He appologized via text after I had fallen asleep last night, which made me feel a little better except that when I responded to the text I never heard back from him :(  I know he's not ignoring me and that he really does want to talk to me, but I'm just really struggling with the long distance thing right now.  I think I start to have doubts when we are away from eachother and especially when we don't get to really talk in a while.  I can't name any super specific doubts, but several of them definitely stem from my general lack of self-esteem which I know is totally silly and unfounded.  I don't know.  Being this tired doesn't help me sort through any of this either.  *sigh*

Bottom line - I'm grumpy and discontent, which means that right now I'm going to go spend some time in God's word and fix my attitude and give him my heartaches and doubts.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

White Coat - a.k.a. "I Made It!"

Oh my goodness!  What a stressful week!  7 tests in 5 days and I'm still breathing!  And I made it through without gaining any more D's!  I am so relieved!  This weekend was wonderful.  Remington came down on Friday and stayed till this morning.  The rest of my family just came down on Sunday to help me celebrate and attend our White Coat Ceremony.  It was really neat.

Now I'm just realizing that tomorrow, I start seeing real patients and am responsible for their healthcare!  I am totally and completely freaking out right now!  I am so nervous!  It doesn't help that my first rotation is reportedly one of the most difficult and that the senior clinician I'm assigned to is very intimidating.  I'm so keyed up about all of it that I can't talk about it anymore!  I'll try and write more later - hopefully it will be good news and this will all be turning out better than I thought (maybe I'll even be having a little fun)!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

In a Fog of Daydreams

So today hasn't been very productive.  I went to small group accountability/Bible study this morning.  It was really good to spend some quality time with Alicia and Kim again.  Then I came home, ate some lunch, picked up the apartment, and started the laundry.  I did a little bit of studying before becoming distracted and making a run to Hobby Lobby to get materials so that I could make a "Remington box".  As I was cleaning off my desk, I came across some little mementos of our time together that I want to save, but didn't have a place for.  I figured HobLob would have plenty of options and ideas for me.  The box turned out well (if I do say so myself) and I can't wait to keep filling it with memories!

I really think I might be falling in love with this man!  Being away from him this long is really hard.  And whenever I think about him, I can't help but smile!  He is so incredibly sweet and kind.  I can definitely see us getting married someday (in fact, I'm starting to think of it more often than I should)!  People always warn you to go slow and that if you've never dated before, to be careful not to fall for a man just because he's the first one who's shown interest.  That advice is all well and good - for an 18 year old.  I'm not saying that I've totally disregarded those warnings, but I think at 25 I have had a good chance to get to know myself and what I both want and need in a life partner. 

It's so weird to think that I could potentially (and theoretically girls, don't worry nothings been said yet - just my girl-brain jumping ahead) be married before I graduate vet school.  Haven't really thought about the logistics, but when our relationship reaches that point, I know neither of us will want a long engagement!  But then again, I'm not sure I could plan a wedding during clinics!  It's not important right now anyway - it's a long ways off and I really shouldn't be building up these ideas in my head.  But the idea of being HIS makes me very happy.  Who would have thought that the cute new guy at the Halloween party 2 years ago would be such a big part of my life now!?!

Anyway, enough of my daydreaming!  I need to get back to some serious studying.  I have 7 tests in the span of 5 days.  This week is going to be a gauntlet of massive proportions.  Please pray for perseverance and the ability to focus and absorb what I am supposed to be learning.  Just one more week, but it just might be the hardest week of my entire schooling!