I had a good talk with God Friday night. I am so amazed that He still wants me after everything I’ve done and continue to do. I’m so easily distracted. All the shiny things and all the interesting people just catch my attention so quickly. I was ashamed to realize that often I am so eager to learn everything I can about something I have seen or heard about while I have never really felt that intense, immediate need to know Christ. Sure, I’ve experienced times of longing to know my savior, but the extreme excitement of learning about something I’m interested in is much more consuming than my desire to really get to know Christ has ever been.
But I was reassured that He knows my inner-workings and loves me anyway. “God loves us for ourselves.” He loves my enthusiasm and patiently waits for me to turn it and use it to seek after Him. I appreciate that the Spirit has convicted me about this lately. “The God we love may sometimes chasten us, it is true. But even this He does with a smile – the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising daughter who is coming everyday to look more and more like the One whose child she is.”
“WE PLEASE HIM MOST, BY THROWING OURSELVES INTO HIS ARMS WITH ALL OUR IMPERFECTIONS AND BELIEVING THAT HE UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING – AND LOVES US STILL.”
Father thank you for your never-changing love. I don’t deserve it but today I will wrap myself within it.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Beautiful One - Beautiful Day
I woke up praising God this morning. I literally pulled back the covers, sat up, and started singing.
What an amazing way to start my day. I don’t know why it happened – I wish I did because I would aim to wake up like this every day!
Beautiful One, I love!
Beautiful One, I adore!
Beautiful One, my soul must sing!
What an amazing way to start my day. I don’t know why it happened – I wish I did because I would aim to wake up like this every day!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Deep Questions
So there was some great discussion last night. One thing that we talked about was the fear of cheating on a spouse or significant other. I usually think about that in regards to what if he cheats on me? But last night I explored the possibility of being the unfaithful one.
I know from past experiences how easy it is to ignore what you know to be right and good and true in the heat of a moment. I’ve made conscious decisions to act unwisely and put myself in dangerous positions both physically and emotionally. Do I regret it? Yes. Am I ashamed of it? Yes. Have I been forgiven? Yes.
Through those experiences, I’ve learned how incredibly weak I am. How easily I give in. I can tell myself over and over that he failed to protect me, and while that is true, I need to also realize that I failed to protect myself. Nor did I do anything to protect him. During those times I found myself reveling in the feelings of being desired as a woman. That attention drove me to disregard my cautions and give parts of myself to a man who had not made even the slightest commitment of love or protection.
What makes me think that I won’t be just as willing to give into this need for reassurance as a female when I’m married? What if my husband isn’t meeting those needs but I meet someone else who is willing to do so? Will I be strong enough to say “no” then? What, if anything, would stop me? How can I make sure that I won’t fall and seek fulfillment elsewhere?
These questions and many more were running through my head as I drove home last night and I was able to come to some conclusions.
1. What I did yesterday does not determine who I am today. I have made mistakes but do not have to repeat those mistakes. Too often, we allow Satan that foothold of doubt, fear, and self-incrimination. Does Jesus remember my sins? No, they have been removed from me as far as the east is from the west! I have been set free from the chains that bound me to my depraved nature. I can and will choose to live and walk in His footsteps today and evermore.
2. Fear of “what-if” cannot rule my life. How sad it would be if I went through life worried about every little action and possibility. I am not saying that we should be flippant about our choices or actions; I personally think we should search our hearts and motives often, but we cannot let fear keep us from living the joy-filled lives that God has promised us through Jesus. I will also say that there seem to be many who tip the scale in the opposite direction (even in Christian circles) – never thinking about the impact that their decisions will have on their own lives or the lives of other people, let alone eternity. We must strike a balance between being paralyzed by fear of failure and living carelessly or recklessly.
3. Married or not, my main goal should be to live in continuous fellowship with Christ. I do not need to worry or fret about what sins I may or may not commit. All that is required of me is that I act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. If I consistently seek His face and His likeness in my life, I will be able to hear His Spirit speak to my heart when any trial or temptation comes my way. And if I am living in fullness through Jesus, He will not let me fall. So I choose to follow Him and to strive towards knowing and loving him better and deeper every day.
I know from past experiences how easy it is to ignore what you know to be right and good and true in the heat of a moment. I’ve made conscious decisions to act unwisely and put myself in dangerous positions both physically and emotionally. Do I regret it? Yes. Am I ashamed of it? Yes. Have I been forgiven? Yes.
Through those experiences, I’ve learned how incredibly weak I am. How easily I give in. I can tell myself over and over that he failed to protect me, and while that is true, I need to also realize that I failed to protect myself. Nor did I do anything to protect him. During those times I found myself reveling in the feelings of being desired as a woman. That attention drove me to disregard my cautions and give parts of myself to a man who had not made even the slightest commitment of love or protection.
What makes me think that I won’t be just as willing to give into this need for reassurance as a female when I’m married? What if my husband isn’t meeting those needs but I meet someone else who is willing to do so? Will I be strong enough to say “no” then? What, if anything, would stop me? How can I make sure that I won’t fall and seek fulfillment elsewhere?
These questions and many more were running through my head as I drove home last night and I was able to come to some conclusions.
1. What I did yesterday does not determine who I am today. I have made mistakes but do not have to repeat those mistakes. Too often, we allow Satan that foothold of doubt, fear, and self-incrimination. Does Jesus remember my sins? No, they have been removed from me as far as the east is from the west! I have been set free from the chains that bound me to my depraved nature. I can and will choose to live and walk in His footsteps today and evermore.
2. Fear of “what-if” cannot rule my life. How sad it would be if I went through life worried about every little action and possibility. I am not saying that we should be flippant about our choices or actions; I personally think we should search our hearts and motives often, but we cannot let fear keep us from living the joy-filled lives that God has promised us through Jesus. I will also say that there seem to be many who tip the scale in the opposite direction (even in Christian circles) – never thinking about the impact that their decisions will have on their own lives or the lives of other people, let alone eternity. We must strike a balance between being paralyzed by fear of failure and living carelessly or recklessly.
3. Married or not, my main goal should be to live in continuous fellowship with Christ. I do not need to worry or fret about what sins I may or may not commit. All that is required of me is that I act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. If I consistently seek His face and His likeness in my life, I will be able to hear His Spirit speak to my heart when any trial or temptation comes my way. And if I am living in fullness through Jesus, He will not let me fall. So I choose to follow Him and to strive towards knowing and loving him better and deeper every day.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Friends Make Me Happy
I love my friends. They mean the world to me. Hearing from one of them just brightens my day. Doesn't matter who initiates or how long we talk or if it's just a quick note on facebook. Knowing people care about you is the best feeling in the world and I hope that I make people feel like that often.
I’m especially excited because I’m going to Jeff City tonight to have dinner with Christina. I love our dinner meetings. It isn’t just the dinner though, which is always wonderful, but the drive is half the fun. It’s a half hour each way and I usually use the time to think and pray or worship along with the radio. These times have become precious to me in the midst of my crazy business and insane study schedule.
I guess that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll have some revelations tonight to share later.
I’m especially excited because I’m going to Jeff City tonight to have dinner with Christina. I love our dinner meetings. It isn’t just the dinner though, which is always wonderful, but the drive is half the fun. It’s a half hour each way and I usually use the time to think and pray or worship along with the radio. These times have become precious to me in the midst of my crazy business and insane study schedule.
I guess that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll have some revelations tonight to share later.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Come Find Me
I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night.
The signal's out. I'm ready now...
Feels like I'm right on the edge of falling. So close I can almost taste it, so beautiful that I'm shaking.
Seems like I've been standing here forever. I'm getting tired of hesitating. So if you're out there somewhere waiting...
I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night. The signal's out. I'm ready now, come find me.
Like a diamond shining in the sand, hold me in your hands. I'm calling out, I'm ready now, come find me.
Come find me, come find me... come find me.
I've always been so careful with my footsteps, so safe so delicate. I let my heart lose to my head - look where that got me.
Letting love just pass me by, missing out on butterflies. I wanna feel it now, so if you're out there waiting...
I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night. The signal's out. I'm ready now, come find me.
Like a diamond shining in the sand, hold me in your hands. I'm calling out, I'm ready now, come find me.
Come find me, come find me... come find me.
You're so close don't stop now. Getting so close, don't stop now.
I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, lighting up the night. The signal's out. I'm ready now, I'm ready...
I'm shooting off a flare across the sky, will you look for me? Lighting up the night, baby look for me! The signal's out. I'm ready now, come find me... come find me.
Like a diamond shining in the sand, will you look for me? Hold me in your hands. I'm calling out - I'm calling, I'm ready now - I'm ready... come find me.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Updates
Whew! One test down! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. There really wasn’t enough time though! Most of the class was still testing when they called time. I would have done better if I would have had 20 more minutes to double check my answers. Oh well, I’m just glad it’s over- now onto the next one!
At some point, I’d like to have time to write about what I’ve been struggling with recently. I’ve told some people, so maybe writing it down isn’t as important anymore, but it still helps me work through everything. Maybe I’ll have time next week, although by then I’ll probably have a whole new set of issues!
It’s sooooo beautiful outside today! Finally! After two straight weeks of nasty gloomy weather this change is most welcome! It’s sad though, that the instructors feel the need to entomb us in this conference room by completely lowering the blackout shades so we can’t see outside at all. Depressing.
Anyway, this weekend was a lot of fun. It was cool being home in KC and hanging out with my friends from COMO - kind of a mash up of both extremes of my world. We went to the American Royal to see the Championship Bull Riding. I love going to the American Royal – I think those of us from the KC area should support is as much as possible. I mean, it’s really cool that Kansas City hosts the largest livestock show in the world (and has for 110 years)!
The Halloween party with Oasis was great. Got to meet some new people and spend time with my old friends. Oh! And we went out to lunch Sunday and I got our table free dip because the waiter said I had a nice smile!!! Haha! What is it with me and waiters!?! Evidently I magically become more attractive when I’m in a restaurant and boys think I’m cute… or maybe they just want a better tip!
I’d better wrap this up – class is about to end. Yes, I have been very bad and am ignoring today’s public health lecture on Hepatitis. Bad Lisa!
At some point, I’d like to have time to write about what I’ve been struggling with recently. I’ve told some people, so maybe writing it down isn’t as important anymore, but it still helps me work through everything. Maybe I’ll have time next week, although by then I’ll probably have a whole new set of issues!
It’s sooooo beautiful outside today! Finally! After two straight weeks of nasty gloomy weather this change is most welcome! It’s sad though, that the instructors feel the need to entomb us in this conference room by completely lowering the blackout shades so we can’t see outside at all. Depressing.
Anyway, this weekend was a lot of fun. It was cool being home in KC and hanging out with my friends from COMO - kind of a mash up of both extremes of my world. We went to the American Royal to see the Championship Bull Riding. I love going to the American Royal – I think those of us from the KC area should support is as much as possible. I mean, it’s really cool that Kansas City hosts the largest livestock show in the world (and has for 110 years)!
The Halloween party with Oasis was great. Got to meet some new people and spend time with my old friends. Oh! And we went out to lunch Sunday and I got our table free dip because the waiter said I had a nice smile!!! Haha! What is it with me and waiters!?! Evidently I magically become more attractive when I’m in a restaurant and boys think I’m cute… or maybe they just want a better tip!
I’d better wrap this up – class is about to end. Yes, I have been very bad and am ignoring today’s public health lecture on Hepatitis. Bad Lisa!
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