Rage

Funny how people can turn on you in ways you’d never expect. Interesting to know that you will eventually forgive them, but yet can’t even bear thinking about the situation. Shocking to see years’ worth of trust shattered in one evening.

I don’t know how to talk to him again. What he did was so incredibly wrong. He had no right and I have never been this mad in my entire life. He thinks he hurt me – he’s wrong. I’m not hurt, I’m livid. More than that I am ashamed, embarrassed, and feel completely exposed and violated.

So many emotions are boiling inside me. I’m outraged and want nothing more than to scream and break and tear. And I am broken – bleeding out and struggling for air. I have never been more naked than I feel right now.

I don’t know what he saw, nor do I want to. It doesn’t matter. My privacy was shattered and my wishes ignored.

His apologies sicken me. I don’t want to see his face or hear his voice. The simpering and begging I know are coming churn my stomach and make me want to retch. I am completely disgusted.

I want to strike back. I long to tell the other offended party and allow him to rip this guy to shreds. I am so desperate to at least have the other half know the pain I am in; to have him take my side and comfort me. But I am loyal and am not a mean person by nature. So no matter what I wish I could do – I really cannot bear to hurt the offender like he’s hurt me.

God, how do I get past this? How do I pick up the shreds of our relationship? Can it be mended? Lord, you must help me forgive. I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. I choose to forgive, I will try to forget, but I won’t ever fully trust him again.