Mad About March

Sorry it's been so long since I blogged!  Not that too many people really pay attention to what I write.

March is my favorite month, especially this year!  Rem's birthday was great and then we left for Florida a few days later.  Vacation was wonderful.  We stayed in Ft. Lauderdale and took a short cruise to the Bahamas.  The hotel and cruise weren't fantastic, but the company and good times were.  Rem and I had a great time together - I can't wait to do it again! 

I realized that I don't want to be away from home on my b-day again, though.  It really wasn't celebrated because we were out of town, but my parents did take us out when we got back to make up for it.  And there was cake! :) 

Other than that, I've had 4 more interviews for an associate veterinary position.  I really like one in Independence, but the owner is unsure that she can afford a full time associate.  I spent all day yesterday at one in Gardner, and it was pretty nice too, but the Dr. is a bit more intimidating.  I'm trying to trust God's timing and have faith in my abilities as well.

Anyway, it's exciting that I only have one more month of school left.  Soon, I'll have to change this blog's description because I won't be a student anymore.  I'll be a doctor!

To: A Friend Long Gone

It breaks my heart that you gave up on us,

It hurts to know you never really tried.

We were so close for so long

I never thought you’d throw it all aside.

Was I ever anything more than a fan of yours?

Did you ever care about more than you?

I was under the impression that I was there,

That my feelings and opinions mattered too.

I can see you’ve moved on and I’ve been replaced

With several others who’ll give you your due.

Just don’t expect me to jump up and celebrate

And run back whenever you want me to.

The loyalty I once felt is faded,

Worn down from years of abuse.

I’ve grown up and accepted your choice;

For your fickle “friendship” I no longer have use.

Holy Crap!

Yesterday someone pointed out that in exactly 4 months I'll be a doctor!  Wow!  I can't believe it!!!  It doesn't seem like it's been almost 4 years!  And as exciting as it is, I'm not sure I feel ready - in fact I know I don't feel ready.  I'm jugling the busy work that accompanies this block and trying to get everything together so I can finally send out my resumes this weekend.  Yikes!  Anyway, I'm writing this between classes, so I'd better go, I'll try and write more later!

Post Christmas Blues

So I'm back in Columbia after a wonderful week-long break for Christmas.  It sucks.  I miss Remington so much already!  We're kinda ridiculous like that and enjoy being around each other all the time.  Anyway, it doesn't help that I really don't enjoy this rotation (pathology).  It's just a whole bunch of cutting up dead things, getting smelly, and then doing a load of busy work.  Blech!

Christmas was absolutely amazing though!  Rem came to our house for the whole day!  He completely spoiled me rotten!  I didn't expect ANY presents from him because he already bought me a new Macbook Air last month when my computer keeled over AND he bought super great seats and took me to see The Nutcracker last Friday!  WAAAAAY too much already right?  This boy just doesn't know when to stop (and I secretly love him even more for that)!  He got me a really cute pair of shoes I'd been eyeing and a brand new, limited edition, red Kitchen Aide mixer!!!  Wow!  I don't deserve such spoilage!

Suffice it to say, I spent to much and spoiled him too!  He got a ton of stylish clothes, books, a bluetooth, as well as some other items he really wanted.  I also got him a massaging bed rest, but we ended up taking it back because it wasn't exactly what I expected and vibrated more than massaged.  But that's okay, he said he'd rather put the money into starting our salt water fish tank.  He's really excited to start that up - maybe we'll be able to do some more around his birthday.  He was also able to use some gift cards he received to buy a new Xbox, as his pooped out a couple of days before Christmas.  He's not a big gamer, but he really likes to play every once in a while to relax.

I hope that I can get back home this weekend for New Years!  My friend Tammi is coming into town and I'm hoping to get to spend a little time with her.  It's weird though, because the group of people that used to hang out when she still lived in town is so different and dispersed now.  I invite several people from that group to do things and hang out, but they never do.  I know the Sunday School class has always kind of had cliques, but
NEVER like this.  I've completely lost a best friend from college - she's demonstrated that she doesn't REALLY care on numerous occasions.  And it just plain annoys me that no one from their group ever darkens the doors of our get-togethers - it's like they are soooo much better than everyone else.  They won't show up unless one of them is hosting or planning the event.  They disgust me.

Anyway, I still have to sit here in this room for another hour.  My homework was frustrating me so much this morning that I plan on completely ignoring it until tomorrow!

Worry-Wart

I have learned that I have a special talent.  I am exceptionally good at freaking myself out.  I guess I always knew I was a good worrier, a scaredy-cat.  But sometimes it just goes too far.  Even when I was little, I'd come up with these elaborate scenarios of "what if".  What if.... the house caught on fire or there was a tornado?  Then in my teen years it became, what if I were abducted or raped.  Now that I'm in a relationship, I find it's what if he cheats on me or is secretly looking at porn? 

It's getting rediculous and beginning to interfere with real life.  I'm sick of being scared.  I'm tired of spending hours worrying and getting myself worked up over things that aren't reality.  Yes, I suppose these things could happen, but the likelihood that they will is very slim.  I have to relax.  I have to trust that God is in control.  I know beyond any doubt that I would survive all these scenarios, maybe move past them even, but the fear of "what if" keeps me paralyzed.  It's stunting my growth and at times threatens my relationships.

And the most recent thing that has been interrupted by my worrying (and now my blogging) is studying for the NAVLE - which is yet another source of fear and stress.  I'm nervous (terrified really) of not passing.  Yes, there's a second opportunity to pass, but I DO NOT want to be the one who has to take it again.  The shame, embarrassment, and just plain hassle of doing it all over again weigh on me and sometimes make it hard to breathe.  I'm trying, but even in the trying, feel like I'm already failing.

God please fix me.  Please give me a sense of peace that I know I am unable to obtain on my own right now.  Calm me down and help me to do my best, both on the test and with my life.  It's all yours anyway.

Lost And Found

I found an old poem I wrote a few years ago and thought I'd post it just for fun.  It's called Open Your Other Eye....


Open your other eye.

Don’t think for one second
That what happened didn’t hurt me too
The distrust I “earned” after trying so hard to be true

A knife through my heart when at last
Your true opinion of me was shown
I just wish that I would have guarded my heart or somehow known

That nothing I do will be good enough
The choices I make will fall short
I give up from now on; it’s time to move along
And live my life no longer for you.

Too Much Sun

Ouch!  I've got a sun headache!  I'm on equine right now, so was surprised when we got out at 3:15!  It was really hot outside, but I went to the pool anyway!  I took some water to stay hydrated and a good book.  I'm getting pretty dark...for me anyway! :)

Things are going well.  Equine is stressfull and I am having a hard time being away from Rem for so long.  I'm praying really hard that he gets this IT job at GMC so that he can pay off some bills and finally have some money to come see me.  It's really expensive with his gas guzzling truck! 

Matt (my birthfather) and his family came down a couple of weeks ago.  We hung out, went to the zoo, and they even came to church with us.  I think everyone had a good time (even my half sisters). 

Welp, I'd better get back to studying...icky!