Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Ahhh, Sweet Relief!

I love days off of school!!!  Waking up late, taking a leisurly shower, spending extra time getting ready (for the bunch of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I have to do today!).  Ok, so I do have a short to-do list for this afternoon.  Clean up the house becuase my best friend Christina is coming to spend the night!  Yay!  It's going to be so much fun!  I think I might even go see a movie this afternoon - I never get to with my crazy vet school life!  And I should study a little, but like that's gonna happen!

Have some more things to write.  Discoveries, revelations, venting.  But I'm not sure I can, not now anyway.  Maybe when I decide what to do about it.  If I SHOULD do anything about it, because, does it really matter?  Will it make it better (probably not).  Unfortunately nothing will.  So now I have to make a decision, because I need an end.  I'm a happy ending kind of gal, but at this point any end will do.  And if I have to be the one to end it, fine.  But do I need an end because I just would like one, or do I feel I deserve one.  Does it need to end so that I can stop defining myself by what others think of me?  Shouldn't I be able to do that last bit no matter what?  Good questions.  I'll have to think about it.

And in answering these questions, I will be brutally honest with myself.  I will not hide my head in the sand, avoiding my problems and my own flaws.  I will not blame it on someone else.  I want to understand myself so that I can change and become more like the woman God wants me to be.  That requires facing my fears, coming to terms with and fully exploring myself, even the dark corners that I am afraid of.  And through it all I know He will be there, right beside me.  Holding my hand and shining  His light in those places that need His transforming power.  The process may be painful, and I may not like what I find - but it will be worth it.  Becoming like Him is always worth it.

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